For my work with Right to Be this summer, I am creating a self-accountability training. What is self-accountability training, you may ask? It is an instruction and exercise on how to deal with your innate biases and hold yourself accountable when you act on them. Because of this, I have been doing a lot of readings on accountability. Now, accountability as a whole is very complex and spanning. And while I have not read a ton on self-accountability, reading about how to hold others accountable has got me thinking a lot about my own life. 

To prepare for my task at hand, I was given a book entitled Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior. The book is broken into 3 parts: one about working on yourself, one about creating safety in conversation, and a final one about putting this all into action. By breaking it into these three parts, it is easy to grasp the topics and see the flow of ideas and building of momentum and confidence. The chapters in each section seem manageable, allowing the reader not to be overwhelmed with all the tasks and skills that need to be established. The separation also facilitates a learning arc where the reader is able to recognize the issues in their own lives and begin to work towards what they truly wish. I have documented my own journey in this blog.

I have always been one who struggles in the face of conflict, both in just being in it and being the one who initiates something that may lead to conflict. Because of the latter, I often do not try to hold others accountable as I fear their reactions. This was something I was loosely aware of; however, in reading Crucial Accountability, I came to realize how many of my actions resulted from this lack of holding people accountable. They talk about “exploding” or lashing out when it builds to a point where your silence has created so much resentment that you cannot hold it any longer. And as much as I do not want to admit it, I have had those moments of explosion and still hold a lot of resentment towards people and groups that I did not hold accountable. 

This creates an interesting situation as it turns a lot of these feelings back onto myself. I begin to blame myself for lashing out and removing the blame from those whose actions caused the feelings. I am not sure where the balance of these feelings falls, or even how to find that balance. It is also difficult as I think I consider some of my “lashing out” to be instances where I did hold someone accountable, but because that is so out of character for me, it feels like lashing out. And there are a lot of what-ifs. What if I had held them accountable for their actions the first time? Would it have led to a better relationship? Would it have stopped them before it got to the point that I had to report them? I do not have any answers to these questions. 

Something stressed in Crucial Accountability is the idea that you need to ensure that the other person feels safe.

This, to me, was the biggest takeaway from the book as it defuses what leads to conflict before it starts. This tool, for some reason, makes me feel more empowered to hold others more accountable. However, I am not sure if that is enough to start holding people accountable for things that I have long let slide. For new things, yes, but for the old ones, the ones that have been built, I fear that it will look like the claims are coming out of nowhere. 

But, it needs to be done, or at least that is what I keep telling myself. I cannot let others’ actions that bother me and affect me continue to grow as it makes my life miserable as I live in resentment. It gives them too much power that I want back. I do not want to live in resentment and anger due to other people’s actions. And even if they do not change, maybe it is a sign to remove them from my life instead of fighting this silent battle all the time. That is a scary thing too, but it is less scary than feeling as if I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment on them. 

This is my year to reclaim things I have lost to these people. To reclaim the activities that they stole joy from, to reclaim the joy, to reclaim my life. This is my promise to myself.

As I prepare to leave for New York, I begin the dreaded conversations about what I am doing this summer. It is not the lack of excitement or interest that sparks the apprehension; it is quite the opposite. Working on anti-discrimination trainings has been my passion project throughout my time at Duke. Whether for Duke Athletics or working with the Office of Student Conduct, I have constantly found projects that allow me to try to help make Duke a more equitable and understanding place. No, the apprehension comes from the reactions of others. To me, anti-discrimination trainings are crucial and needed in society; however, the work can seem pointless or worthless to others in my life.

“You are wasting your computer science degree.” “Diversity trainings are a waste of time.” “They [anti-discrimination trainings] will never work.” It is as though this article by Harvard Business Review is haunting me. Hearing these comments chips away at my excitement. I understand that the work I may do this summer may never see the light of day or may not make any impact on the community it is for; however, I hope to gain skills I can bring back to Duke and apply to the projects I am working on there. I want to learn from an established program to see how I can help make other programs more successful in the future. What people fail to see is this summer has nothing to do with my computer science degree or even necessarily with Right To Be, the organization I am working for this summer, this summer is about growing as a person and understanding how I can be a better helper and leader in the communities I live in. This summer, I am here to help Right To Be in any way they deem necessary. It is not about coding or changing the world; it is about learning.

This being said, I am still nervous and unsure what I will do for Right To Be. Though I have a loose understanding of the training they want me to help create — a lesson on what to do when you mess up — I do not know what this exactly entails or what I will be doing to help in its creation. Normally, this uncertainty would make me anxious; however, it fills me with more excitement as I am yet to be confined to one role. It leaves the door open for endless possibilities. I am ready to be assigned a role in the organization and to begin helping them so that they can make a difference. I am ready to learn.

I hold this excitement and desire each time someone asks me what I am doing this summer. It acts as a wall against the negative backlash I receive. As long as we continue living in this society, there will be a need for anti-discrimination trainings. There is no bar that separates anyone from the need for anti-discrimination training, especially as someone going into the world of computer science where white men hold an overwhelming majority of jobs. I know it is an uphill battle and that diversity trainings historically have been ineffective. I know I am not working a tech job in Silicon Valley, but I think this experience will help prepare me for the world in a way that an internship

an image I created as a part of a project for a computer graphics course

or traditional summer job cannot do. And while the ability to create images such as this one to the left is interesting, working in a community to help understand people and their needs rather than behind a computer is something we must to do help fight biases in both the tech field and the computer programs themselves.

As the world becomes more dependent on AI and computers, learning about discrimination and communities is perhaps the most necessary skill. Anyone can code, but few know how to avoid putting their own biases and thoughts into the algorithms. Programs such as facial recognition are notoriously racist and sexist, as described in this article, something which is a reflection of those who coded it. Without effective diversity trainings for people in tech and computer science, the biases will continue to be replicated and spread. I do not think I can change this problem individually as it is a fundamental structure in our society; however, I do believe that having one more person who knows how to have these conversations about diversity in STEM will make an impact.

I am excited about this summer. I am excited to learn. I am excited to prove the comments wrong. We need anti-discrimination trainings to have these conversations and I am ready to gain the skills to have these conversations.