One week and over a third of my summer budget later…. I’m officially concerned for myself.  Yepp! The summer’s eight-week budget is almost completely annihilated with an entire seven weeks left. Ugh!!! I’m so financially immature.  It’s disappointing and it’s scary.

A couple things scare me most.

Growing up I always had the privilege of not having to worry about money.  More than I would like to admit, I took money for granted.  It’s problematic for many reasons.  Aside from the headache of my current bank statement, I am so anxious lately that the kind of non-profit work that I have always been passionate about is far from lucrative.  I hate that money is such a concern.  I’m literally terrified of the joy I have at work sitting at my desk of a non-profit social movement. What to do in this capitalist consumer society when my dream doesn’t look like it could ever afford me the American dream?

Speaking with Merle Hoffman of Choices clinic did give me some perspective.  As the owner of a women’s health clinic that offers everything from abortions to family planning services, Hoffman is at the front line of women’s reproductive rights– and she DOESN’T do it for free! As we spoke with Merle she helped us realize that women really are socialized into into thinking that to want money is out of place for us.  As women, we have been told to serve, not wanting profit in return but fulfillment of our intrinsic desire that comes from a nurturing heart. Money is power, so it’s not terribly difficult to see how this would make sense.

Is my love for the grassroots non-profit field a product of patriarchal brainwashing?  Am I just a naive 20 year old who just doesn’t know how to budget?  Is NYC just really freaking expensive? Since I should probably sit down and not spend anymore money for the rest of the summer, I’ll have lots more time to think about this.   Now accepting donations… just kidding 🙂