Incompetence. I can attest to the fact that while at Duke this has become something I fear about myself daily. The questions ranging from: Can I do this? To the ever so recent When can I go home? Working at LESGC I have found a home. I have found so many great wonderful people, but alongside that, I’ve found insecurities I didn’t know I had. Working in an environment that is striving for the embitterment of a neighborhood is one of the main things that had drawn me to LESGC. Overall, I didn’t know how much pressure that was. Not LESGC specifically, but from my personal places. I’d somehow given myself this idea that everything had to be perfect and if I messed up one piece the entire project that we’d been working on would fly out of the window.                                                 (literal representation of how I felt)

For most of my time at LESGC I’ve felt nothing but positivity and possibility, but somehow when the times got tough over the last week in some ways more than others I caved. Through it all, I somehow found my footing and climbed out of the trenches that I had fallen into. I think for the most part that was when I figured out that I wasn’t incompetent I was just nervous. During my time in NYC, I’ve been working on this project to secure space and provide programming ideas for a new Community Wellness Center. This center will be such a vital place for people in the LES community and I’m so proud to be aiding its arrival. Upon aiding, I found myself letting the negative thoughts succumb to the things I knew to be true. Somewhere in the mix of focus groups, transcriptions,  and meetings, I lost myself in fear and thoughts of inadequacy. With all my fears it took a couple things to snap me back into reality:

1. Moxie
   1. I will say it once, twice, a million times. These women are my biggest supporters here. I don’t know how Ada and Shannan knew that we would work well together, but dang they sure do know how to pick ‘em. Many times after talking about everything that was going on my fellow Moxies took time to check on me, make sure I was okay, and even offer help. Without their support and courage, I don’t think my “climb up” would have been so good.
2. Ruthie G. Rochelle
   1. My Queen. My sole reason for what I do. My mommy. My mom is always there encouraging me, giving me bible verses, and praying for me. She knows when something is wrong, I don’t know how maybe it’s a mother thing? Throughout everything, she always has my back, and I love her so much. She pushed me to know that I’m capable, to know that I was chosen for a reason, to know that above all else she believed in me. Sometimes I think what we need with self-assurance is to have the idea that during our slightly dark times of self-doubt someone believes in us.

With those two things, I got back into the grind and finished the week strong. I have 3 more weeks in New York, and I want to “finish strong”. The reason I wrote this is because I know sometimes things can pile up and fear can harbor inside, but surround yourself with people who believe in you. You’ll be fine sweetheart. You’re amazing darling and don’t forget it!