Have you ever been just a little too inspired by a cooking show you watched, and attempted to create a dish by just throwing ingredients together? Even as a kid, I wished my mom would let me cook for once. I just knew that if I put this yummy thing with that yummy thing, something twice as yummy would be the result.

It never quite turns out like that thought, does it?

Throwing ingredients together, does not a gourmet meal make. At least with a recipe, I know what the end result is supposed to look like. I end up wasting good ingredients if I don’t even know what I’m trying to make.

As we rounded out our 5th week and rolled into this much-needed 3 day weekend,

I couldn’t help but start entertaining the dreaded thought: What’s next?

Moxie has had, is having, and will continue to have palpable effects on me. I feel like a more well versed, more critical, and more inclusive feminist already. I even tested my skills in the field when a stranger who stole and ate my last piece of pizza crust from across the table got more than he bargained for (read: a diagnosis of typical white male entitlement™, a condensed history of institutionalized racism, and some of the more obvious symptoms of the white supremacy it perpetuates).

But these last couple weeks, I started thinking: Where is it taking me? In just a couple weeks I’ll be flying home, and then just a few weeks after that, I’ll fly up to Duke to start my last year of undergrad!

…

My.

Last.

Year.

So where does Moxie fit into my grand scheme? And also… What is my grand scheme? I’ve had ideas and loose concepts of fields to start my “career” in… But lately it’s become abundantly clear that right now I don’t have my exact measurements, preheat the oven to 350, real life recipe.

And the issue with not having a recipe or a clear goal is that it sometimes leaves me less motivated than I should be. Because, what am I even working towards?

I’m learning so much, both academically and socially, in this program. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how I’m going to make my final 3 weeks count. I’ve felt like I need to figure out exactly how I want to use this.

And then I remembered something else I learned before I ever stepped foot in NYC this summer. And the answer may or may not come from the most inspiring, knowledge-building, universally respected source of all:

DukeEngage Academy.

There was a discussion about whether or not DukeEngage is “about you.” Some speakers said it wasn’t, that it should be one big exercise in selflessness.

Another said: of course this about you. And this second voice just made more sense to me. To say that it isn’t about us is to suggest that we have something substantial and irreplaceable to offer the organizations we’re spending a brief 8 weeks with – and that just isn’t true.

Those moments when I feel most inspired or encouraged at work or elsewhere, are the moments when I feel I’ve learned something. Or at least, the moments where I can say “Well, I can put this on my resume skill list.” Even if I haven’t figured out exactly what jobs I’ll soon be applying to.

If nothing else, every new fact or skill I learn here is a way of investing in future Autumn. If an improved self is the goal I’m looking towards, then training my ability to work hard is something I can never get too practiced at. Because if there’s one thing I figured out since working here, it’s that full time work is exhausting.

I know I’m not the first to come to the realization that I am perhaps my most important ongoing project.

Maybe poet William Ernest Henley says it better:

“I am the master(chef) of my fate, I am the captain of my soul (food).

Or… Something like that.