It was my first day working in the big city. I had to take the subway from Manhattan to the heart of Brooklyn. Now, keep in mind, I am not from a big city so I’m very new to the experience of street harassment. I also pride myself on having a resting bitch face, especially when I’m focused on where I need to get. Going to work, there were only two instances where men called out to me that didn’t really get to me. I have heard the stories of the New York street, so I prepared for that part. When I was returning to Manhattan a little after 6pm, I got on the subway hoping to just get back to my dorm as soon as possible to go to sleep. There was one seat on the edge of the 3 seats together, closest to two that are perpendicular to it. There was a man with his bag closest to the window and his body splayed out into the aisle, and touching the only open seat in the row of three. I decided to sit down and said excuse me, although not as forcefully as I’m normally wont to. I bumped a few of the papers he was reading and he got angry and said “you could at least say sorry.”
I smiled and said “my bad,” while thinking, hey you little sh*t, you’re taking up too much space on the subway, it’s f#€£ing cramped and people are going to touch your sh*t if you’re invading the space of 4 different seats. Obviously, it was a long day and I was jet lagged. Then he kept talking as if to explain why he was reading the papers I had bumped, and he said that he was going back to college to become rich. I just smiled and looked forward, not as to comply with his speaking but to make sure nothing escalated if I were too rude. At this point, I’m not sure where polite, naive, bitch, and smart intersect. No one is entitled to my time, personal space, or body. Yet at the same time, social cues of politeness are to interact with someone that is trying to converse with you. Is there really a perfect or set time to have that type of conversation? Anyways, he was silent for a little bit while I just stared at my phone trying to figure out the subway lines/trains from a map. After the next stop, he leaned over and apologized for being so angry and told me that he wasn’t normally like that, it wasn’t him. Then he asked me for my name. 3 times. I politely smiled, because I wasn’t sure how to proceed in all honesty, and told him I didn’t really like to give that kind of information out. He told me his name and I said nice to meet you. He then apologized and I thanked him, said not to worry about it because the subway is cramped and then stared back at my phone. I could feel his eyes on me and knew that he wanted to keep conversing but he stopped. He was able to read that I didn’t want to converse and I actually appreciated that because I have heard subway stories that ended very differently. At the next stop, a homeless man asking for money got on the train. He went up and down the train asking for spare change, talking about how he hadn’t eaten in four days. I kept staring at my phone, not feeling comfortable engaging with him or giving him money. The only person on the train for two stops who even moved to give him money was the guy who had apologized for getting angry about me bumping him.
It is not always bad people that street harass. It is not always people who decide they can’t take no for an answer that street harass. Sometimes there is a fine line between responding to street harassment and politeness along with street harassment and talking to a stranger.
The street harassment that No Disrespect is challenging is the one that has to do with power and entitlement. It is when a cisgendered man (most of the time) decides that he can talk to and demand a response from someone that he sees/notices on the street, in a car, on a train, etc. Newsflash: no one is obliged to feed your ego. Just because one person wants to start a conversation does not mean that another person has to engage in that conversation. It’s not anyone’s job. That should be respected as opposed to being seen as rude. Entitlement is something that I have to challenge in myself everyday, but it’s different than a man’s type of entitlement. This summer, I want to work on checking the entitlement I have while challenging the entitlement that men have. I want to explore why men think it’s okay for them to expect a response from someone they’ve never met.
The next two days with the subway were a breeze. I can even listen to my music on low without fear of missing a stop, which I’m proud of. My organization is run by intelligent, driven, and compassionate people. I’m beyond excited to learn everything they’re willing to teach me. I’m getting the actual experience of working for a local non-profit and how little things matter. There is a beautiful connection between how change can start and what change can mean. My experience this summer will see change at a local level. We will challenge the assumptions of the people of BedStuy to think critically about why they feel such entitlement. Change starts on the local level and engaging our communities. Only then can change actually affect a whole population. There is a domino effect that is possible when change comes from a community. This summer is about challenging the way that I see things. One is how I see and react to street harassment and to understand the different sides explaining it. Another is to see how change occurs in the individual and particular communities as opposed to the population and laws.
Wow, Carina! You definitely handled that situation on the subway perfectly. Do you think if someone else bothered you and wouldn’t leave you alone, even after your silence, you would say something? I’d have no idea how to deal with that–but I hope work is going wel for you and working in NYC is all you dreamed it would be.
I loved your take on your first week. You’re thoughts are really well thought out and made me think more about men and that feeling of entitlement. I hadn’t even considered that before!