Alex Alston has been interning at iHollaback.org, a movement to end street harrassment.

At the time I thought the Duke Engage Academy was one of the most redundant environments I have been in since I left public school in eastern North Carolina. I distinctly remember back in early May, as the conversation began to turn toward “help” vs “partnership” and the nuances around community service, much of this was new to many students.  I was certainly surprised, and rather than take the more productive approach of working to see these concepts from a new angle, I was content with mentally ridiculing those who had yet to make a distinction between them at all.    Many of my peers had never considered the negative impacts of community service or even thought about that service in larger global and historical contexts. Looking on as some of them considered for the first time that there were people out there who, in fact, did not want their “help,” was slightly entertaining (in a cynical way) but mostly disheartening.  I did a lot of head shaking during those discussions, “How do people not know this?” I asked myself.  I clearly had a thing or two to learn about introspection.

Fast forward 2 short months, and here I am grappling with much more developed, much more dynamic definitions of “community service” and “partnership.”  My question has now become, “How did I ever think I really understood this?”  This summer has really given me the chance to be an intricate piece (my organization is staffed by 3 people including myself) of a partnership, and to be involved in serving the community.  But I will never again be able to think about those terms without a host of questions like, “What community am I actually serving?”, “Is this a community that wants my services?” , “What am I willing to sacrifice for the success of a partnership?” and perhaps most importantly, “What privileges of my own am I jeopardizing by rallying to the causes of other marginalized groups?” In other words, the concepts of community service and partnerships are now much more complex than they ever were to me.

If the questions that I mentioned above are a little abstract to some or maybe even slightly “meta” to others, allow me to be a bit more concrete.  Before this summer I certainly would not have considered it problematic to let my eyes linger on a passing woman that I thought was attractive, whether that be in the city or at Duke.  Of course, staring is rude, and gawking is creepy, but lingering eyes, especially in the case of a well-dressed or beautiful woman, was not a problem. This would have been the extent of my thought process in May.  But now, having worked as a partner with Hollaback! in the fight against sexual harassment in public space, I’ve really had to call into question that way of thinking.  I’ve been forced to consider whether or not the way I look at any given woman that catches my eye is intimidating or simply unnecessary.  What does it mean that I feel inclined to hand out my approval of a woman, even in a way as subtle as looking at her for a split second longer than I would anyone else?  The point is not the physical act of looking. The point is my mentality, my way of thinking that says, “You should definitely let her know she’s attractive by making eye contact, or fixing your eyes.”  The fact is, validation is not something most people look for from strangers on the train. The warped sense of reality that says it is in a case like this, is undeniably a product of my male privilege.  Now, I’m not asking you to pity me for my terrible dilemma of having to try and not stare at all the beautiful women in New York, but I am saying that working as a partner, rather than just a volunteer or intern, with Hollaback! has pushed me to think about what it means for my own privileges to help others who are fighting for equality, legitimacy, or power.

Ultimately, I think my attitude toward community service and partnerships, particularly regarding social change, will definitely change in the future.  In many ways I have learned that it is important for me to be very aware of what I need to be willing to surrender if my goal is to help someone else achieve something.  Generally speaking, in order for all of us to be on the same plane, many of us need to be brought up, but others need to be brought down.  At the same time, I don’t anticipate this will turn me away from advocating for social change or doing community service. I imagine, rather, that I can march forward, more conscious of the sacrifices that have to be made, the privileges that must ultimately be surrendered, and better equipped to do the work of movement building.