If I’m going to be honest, I am really struggling to write this post.

It says in the prompt that my post should reflect on my experience in rehearsals and my thoughts on the production approach. However, as hard as I try to suss out how I feel and what I think, I keep coming up blank.

I think part of why I am having a difficult time is that my role is rooted in mechanics. I take down blocking and call cues. I organize, keep track of time, and make lists. I make sure that everybody gets the information they need and that what needs to be done is done and on time. I guess what I’m saying is that I haven’t really given myself an opportunity to think about the process outside of what needs to be done to make it happen. When I’m in rehearsals, I am focused on making sure that people, props, and lines are where they’re supposed to be. In production meetings, I concentrate on making sure that everybody gets all the information they need and that all questions are answered (or at least have been asked). I am also acutely aware that while I am involved in making the play what it is, I am not a creative voice in the room. I think the overarching concept of the show is provocative and engaging, the set and the props are beautiful, and although I have yet to see the lights or costumes, I have no doubt that they are amazing as well. However, my job is to try and make the execution of the creative as organized, smooth, and simple as possible.

All of this is not to say that I am not emotionally involved or invested. I’m trying to learn and expose myself to as much as I possibly can. I love coming to rehearsal everyday to experience and be part of the creation and evolution of Uncle Vanya. It’s just that throughout most of this process, I’ve lived mostly in my head and, as a result, have not given myself enough time to really process how I feel.

However, there are moments. Moments when I look up from my script and just watch the play unfold. I watch my peers dig deep, ask questions, and explore their character’s motivations and desires. I watch them challenge themselves, grow, and be vulnerable. I am moved watching them put themselves out there and work to navigate what it means to be human. It is in these moments that I get caught up in the emotion and spirit of it all and lose my place in the script.

It is in these moments when I understand why I do this. It is in these moments when I am reminded why I truly love the theatre.