Love and Relationships

Recent movements continue to shed light on a prevalent rape culture which relies on age-old gender norms and expectations. The specific culprits behind this culture have been prodded and discussed, but what is mostly left out is a discussion of the more subtle causes: the daily behaviors that aggregate into our cultural fabric. What I find particularly interesting are the contributions the feminist movement has made to widening divides and disparities in an attempt to reconcile them.

I didn’t come to Duke with rose-colored glasses. I knew about the plethora of silenced sexual assault cases on elite college campuses, I knew that the hook-up culture from high school would only grow in a new environment of complete independence and I expected the unequal treatment of women and girls to remain about the same. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it much; I took unbalanced gender norms for granted. But if anything, I assumed that in a place that boasted a certain intellectual and social maturity of the so-called “best and brightest,” there would be an elevated awareness and more energy to make change.

While getting ready for the Women’s March last January, I had friends get ready the same way they got ready for a music festival. The fashion choices were always celebrated as a choice, and the choice was always one of empowerment. This word “empowerment,” is what I’ve struggled to grapple with this past year, as I transitioned to college while coping with the reality that seems to worsen with each #MeToo confession. The word seems to be the appropriate buzzword of the 2010s, but has reappeared in the last five years. A Google search defines the word as “the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights.” On one hand, women and girls are becoming more empowered, and there is evidence to prove it — girls are starting to outnumber boys in college, campaigns to get more girls involved in STEM fields is slow but increasing, and national movements for gender equality like the Women’s March and #MeToo movement have emboldened once-silent women and girls to speak out.

However, on the other hand, even though we are seemingly moving in a linear direction of progress, the “empowerment” we promote is still inextricably linked to one thing: sexuality. Sexuality shouldn’t be shunned as a metric of power; empowerment can certainly come from a healthy, evolved relationship with one’s sexuality.

But the issue is that so-called “empowerment” for women and girls still comes from their ability to appease the dominant culture that profits from the objectification of the female body.

In order to advance in any way, personally, socially or professionally, girls are still expected to match whatever credible validity they possess, whether it be intelligence, ambition or ingenuity,  with an appropriately high level of sex appeal.

Fourth wave feminism has been marked by a resurgence of energy toward alleviating rape culture and has no patience for antiquated inequalities like the pay gap. But we seem to blindly accept detriments that are less visible but in some ways more harmful.

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One obstructive aspect of today’s feminism is the body positivity movement.

There is certainly value in the rejection of impossible beauty standards and the proliferation of these images through mass media and advertising. Women and girls should not feel less valuable because they don’t match up to the photoshopped version of human beings on billboards or Instagram, and feeling comfortable in one’s own skin is certainly a form of empowerment. But the movement fails to separate itself from the flawed notion that the value of a woman is based on how she looks. The message is that everyone should be seen and appreciated as beautiful, but the question of why women even need to be beautiful in order to hold value is never asked. Talk about being “body positive” and “not caring,” seems to be more of a defense mechanism than a means of empowerment. Especially since starting college, I’ve witnessed just how these mechanisms seem to operate. Most of these behaviors are so ingrained in the female psyche by the time young women reach college, so it can be difficult to identify them, much less cast them as abnormal. One of these is the pressure many women and girls feel to constantly portray at least a certain degree of sex appeal. This may seem extreme and outdated, but a closer look at the day-to-day dress and behavior of women proves this point more often than not. It’s not enough to be prepared and professional, young women must exude girlish enthusiasm and present their appearance in the most alluring way possible, while at the same time taking care to not look “too much” –– too desperate or too revealing.

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Another aspect can be seen in the private lives of today’s young women. While social scientists and critical culture writers pick apart and obsess over the “hook-up culture” of today’s teens, they focus more on what they deem as the detrimental effects, and not enough on the genuine experiences of young people, especially young women. The question of whether this generation’s evolving sexual habits are healthy or not is debatable, but it certainly does reflect changing views about traditional taboos like casual sex and monogamy. These actions on their own aren’t necessarily negative; the body positivity movement and the protest of the hyper-sexualized female body by normalizing more skin-showing is valuable. There’s also nothing wrong with embracing one’s sexuality by engaging in frequent, casual sex. This is indeed the message behind movements like the “SlutWalks,” where activists protested the flawed claim that sexual assault would be decreased if women wore less revealing clothing. There certainly is validity in the third and fourth wave feminist doctrine that girls should be able to wear whatever they want and act however they want, including engaging in casual sex and wearing revealing clothing, rather than succumb to the patriarchal expectations of being ladylike and passive.

However, it seems that many girls feel that they must engage in this behavior in order to be taken seriously or valued by their peers, romantic interests, and even potential employers. Girls are expected to play out all of these behaviors with an air of carelessness and self-righteousness as if they are natural, inevitable courses of action. Women and girls should be able to decide for themselves when they want to dress a certain way or engage in a certain behavior rather than feeling pressured into it. While many of these behaviors can certainly be empowering, they will only be so if they are chosen genuinely.

When perverse norms are forced upon young women in the name of “empowerment” — the assumption being that one will become empowered by rejecting traditional gender norms that say girls should be picturesque porcelain puritans who obediently follow society’s guidelines — the progress toward true empowerment suffers.

Women and girls should be able to ditch these anachronistic customs, by means of embracing their bodies, sexuality, or otherwise, to take control of their own lives. But when these genuine modes of empowerment are exploited, when the value of a woman is continuously reduced –– whether consciously or not –– to how well she can sexualize and objectify herself, the power being gained actually leaves the woman less autonomous, because she’s simply playing into a two-dimensional role that offers no room for individuality and true control. By pretending that our culture has no effect on us, that all we need to do is become hardened feminist crusaders who trudge blindly forward, we are moving backward rather than forward. Maybe the thought is that if you objectify yourself before anyone else can, you feel more in control. In the coming years, I’d like to see the feminist movement be less accommodating toward the backward norms in place and focus more on creating a new culture of true empowerment for women and girls.

Those who disagree with this notion have good reason to. The more obvious, striking sexism of the 60s and 70s may not be the reality, but just because a “Mad Men”-esque depiction of gender hierarchies is waning, doesn’t mean women and girls won the whole sexism thing. Today’s gender disparities may be even more dangerous because they are so elusive, so well-guised in a mirage of “empowerment,” that has the full support of many feminists.

When we have conversations about “toxic masculinity” or the rape culture it contributes to, we must not make the mistake of attributing it solely to anything unique at Duke, the south, Greek life, or any other sole perpetrator. These factors may light the fire, but the fire is everywhere. If we act like these are isolated incidents, we’re pushing them to the margins, making it seem like these issues aren’t the modern manifestations of the wide-spreading, age-old schisms of our patriarchal society. But it does make sense to focus on the changes that can be made to larger, systemic issues on a local level. Especially at institutions of higher learning, where young women study alongside young men in historically male-dominated fields, where women and girls of the highest ambition pursue their career goals unapologetically, it is upsetting that other forms of empowerment are still taken for granted.

In an attempt to “empower ourselves” as quickly and efficiently as possible, we are actually making ourselves less powerful by using the same mechanisms that disenfranchise us to do it. This makes sense because it is the system we exist in, and adapting to it is much easier than overhauling it and creating a whole new system.

But if we want to be truly empowered–– if we want to reclaim control over our bodies, our salaries, and our day-to-day sanity, we must dare to look outside the oppressive paradigm we’re in and reimagine what would really empower us.

It makes sense why more women and girls haven’t done this; you get rewarded for playing along, for dancing to the mind-numbing tune. Stepping out and denouncing the culture could be risky, but it would be worth it in the end, especially if a critical mass of people did it together. It may seem like there’s no way to win. But I think there is, and it all has to do with coming back to the true definition of empowerment. Being empowered has to do with what choices one has the freedom to make. It has to do with the autonomy one has to make choices that will give them more power and fulfillment. It’s all about awareness and intentionality. It can seem like a hard balance between truly empowering oneself and pretending to while succumbing to societies’ predetermined expectations. But it’s a balance we must try harder to reach, because our lives depend on it.

When I walked into my first round of formal sorority recruitment last year, I was completely taken aback. As a freshman, I knew nothing about Greek life. I had no idea how to react to a room packed with women chanting, photoshoot ready, and all wearing matching outfits with aesthetic, color-coordinated name tags. Caught up in Duke’s annual whirlwind of rush season, I found myself blindly rushing panhellenic sororities because it seemed like something that everyone just did.

If you had asked me about rushing only two months earlier, I would have told you that I wasn’t even considering it. Based on images of sorority culture that I had seen in the media (think Selena Gomez in Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising), I didn’t think that there was a place for me in Greek life as an Asian American woman. I hadn’t seen anyone who looked like me in a sorority and I didn’t think that I could fit in. But after seeing my friends register for rush, having intense FOMO, and figuring “I guess I might as well try it,” I signed myself up.

What I learned from the rush process and joining a sorority was that many women in Duke’s Panhellenic community are dedicated to empowering women of all backgrounds. Personally, I am grateful for the support I have received from women in my chapter and I appreciate the work that the Panhellenic executive board is doing to promote diversity. However, in terms of diversity and inclusion, there is still room for progress that the whole panhellenic community is responsible for addressing.

Going through the recruitment process again this semester, this time as a recruiter, I learned that my initial hesitations about diversity and inclusion in Greek life weren’t uncommon–nor were they unwarranted. Numerous people, in and outside of recruitment, have also voiced concerns over the lack of diversity in Panhellenic sororities. For instance, one article from The Chronicle reported that students in Greek organizations are twice as likely to have attended a high school with tuition greater than $30,000. While exact statistics on racial and socioeconomic diversity in Duke’s Panhellenic Association are unavailable, the volume of comments such as “I don’t think Greek life is for me…I’m just not the ‘sorority type’” and “only rich white people are in sororities” demonstrate issues in Greek life that we must address. These feelings speak to a broader culture at Duke, one that criticizes the homogeneity of greek life on campus.

Undoubtedly, Duke’s Greek community is making an effort to promote diversity and inclusion campus-wide. Events such as Lawrence Ross’ “Know Better/Do Better” talk, Greek Ally Week, and joint events with Duke’s Multicultural Greek Council have helped to engage students in conversations about diversity and intersectionality.

But conversations aren’t enough.

Currently, Duke’s Panhellenic executive board has created requirements for every chapter’s president, recruitment chair, and Panhellenic delegate to attend an implicit bias training in order to “recognize that diversity comes in many different forms and is not as one-dimensional as just racial diversity.” Also, the Duke Panhellenic Association has moved recruitment events back to campus to lower recruitment fees, implemented casual dress code guidelines, and expanded scholarship opportunities to provide aid for those in financial need. The board commented: “We want to be more representative of all Duke women and that includes race, socioeconomic status, LGBTQ+ women, etc.”

Promoting diversity is about more than just talking about being more inclusive–it’s about changing a long-established culture of wealth and privilege that exists in greek life. From my own experience, I have learned that Panhellenic groups can be welcoming, dynamic, and empowering. But a problem we need to address is translating those words into actions that make everyone feel heard. Especially since 40% of Duke women are involved in a greek organization, we as a student body need to be conscientious of the spaces we create on campus.

Here are a couple of suggestions from the Panhellenic executive board for creating welcoming spaces in Greek life for people of all backgrounds:

Some chapters have started women’s empowerment & inclusion committees: starting at a lower level to take a closer look at their programming initiatives.

Be explicit and vocal about it: being more upfront about the issues and having conversations. We recognize that Panhel is not the most diverse space in its current space, but since we are aware of it, we want to work to address it.

We need to be mindful of people’s identities and experiences every day, not just on days with events promoting diversity. In doing so, we can take further steps towards creating inclusive and welcoming communities for everyone in greek life.

February has rolled around once again, and no matter if you’re in a relationship or not during the month of love, there is one thing Duke students have in common at this time. The first round of spring midterms has come to obliterate your existence. It’s already been a rough semester between getting oriented to classes, going through rush or watching your friends go through rush, thinking about housing as an independent, all while maintaining your sanity until the highly sought after spring break.

And it’s been hard. Oh so hard. Every week, you think of how close you are to the weekend. Every day, you think of how many days are left until you can go home. Every class, you think of how much time is left until you can go back to your room. Because it’s been so hard.

When was the last time you took out time to take care of yourself? It’s been a pretty long time. So what’s stopping you now? Take the time to take care of yourself. It’s a stressful time of the year, and it’s going to take a toll on your mental and physical health. Go ahead. Take that mental health day off. You deserve it. Go outside, sit in the grass, have a picnic with some friends. Eat that chocolate you really wanted to but you couldn’t break your resolution. Do what makes you happy. Go to the gym. Take a Zumba class. Be prepared for the flu season. Watch what you eat. Do what makes your body feel good. Take care of yourself.

And why should you? Because if one person is required to love you, it is yourself. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings. If you think or feel anything that might be negative about yourself, stop right there. You are great. And you should take care of yourself so you can spread your greatness through the world.

Everyone has their own way to cope when they’re feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with themselves. Some of your first-year peers have a few suggestions that you could adopt. Saba likes to write down everything on her mind and think objectively about why she is feeling this way and how she can avoid being so stressed. Rebekah follows a similar approach and takes a step back, putting things into perspective. She thinks, “If I look back on this moment later in life, will this stress have been worth it?” Diana doesn’t even think about whatever is causing stress. She puts a pause on her work or whatever is causing stress and takes a break, engaging in low stress activities like watching “This is Us” or taking a walk.

Still not sure if that would work for you? Well, you could go to the Arts Annex and craft away your worries. They have lots of stress-free activities to partake in. Go to the Duke Coffeehouse to enjoy the chill ambience and savor some free coffee and tea. Go to the Oasis, a quiet spot to meditate and work. There’s one on East Campus in Bell Tower dorm and one on West Campus on the first floor of the Wellness Center. If you’re feeling super overwhelmed and don’t know how best to deal with it, make a quick stop at CAPS on the third floor of the Wellness Center. They will be more than happy to talk to you.

Regardless of how you choose to de-stress, take that time out to take care of yourself. You need that time and space to relax, because you are so worth it. And as you love yourself, make sure to see the love that others have for you as well.

I can’t even count the number of times in the past few years that somebody has asked me if I am dating anyone, and this question never fails to frustrate me. I am first and foremost an individual; there is so much more to who I am and how I live my life than anyone with whom I might be romantically involved. Second, I am troubled by this prioritization of romance, and I want to challenge how we think about relationships in our society.

We engage in all types of relationships that add meaning to our lives be they romantic, platonic, physical, sexual, caregiving, emotional, financial, social, collaborative, or professional. However, our culture expects that we pair up with one other person to share resources, and that this relationship – which should include cohabitating, financial dependence, care, sex, parenting, and inheritance – be superior to all others.

Our capitalistic society depends on scarcity. Yet, what if love and care were abundant and even infinite? What if love and resources shared with one person didn’t diminish those for another?

While studies show that love has a universal, biological basis, marriage and normative relationship structures are a relatively new, cultural construction. The state controls the institution of marriage – how it is defined and who has access, how it is recognized and endorsed, which rights and duties come along with it, and whether and when divorce and remarriage are possible. Historically, this has led to the state wielding marriage as a method of discrimination – including preventing interracial and homosexual unions, refusing to recognize marital rape, and facilitating forced child marriage.

State-recognized marriage places married couples above unmarried couples in similar relationships, people in sexual relationships above those in other types of relationships, and couples above singles and polyamorists. It situates sexual partnership as the ultimate goal and assumed norm through an oppressive patriarchal framework. Benefits are granted solely based on the marital agreement without accounting for the actual practice of the relationship.

When I learned about relationship anarchy (RA), it resonated deeply. The term is somewhat misleading – it does not mean eradicating all relationships; rather, each relationship is defined individually. It involves rejecting societal pressures to build relationships that are satisfying for all people involved rather than simply following a script, and it refuses socially imposed hierarchies.

Here are the points of Andie Nordgren’s Relationship Anarchist Manifesto, which has been translated from Swedish into English:

“Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique” – questioning that love is a limited resource restricted to a couple; each relationship is independent and can be cherished equally.

“Love and respect instead of entitlement” – respecting others’ independence and autonomy; having feelings for someone or sharing a history does not entitle you to command them to follow what is considered “normal” in a relationship.

“Find your core set of relationship values” – how do you want to be treated, what are your basic boundaries and expectations, and how do you want your relationships to work?

“Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you” – finding ways to cope within as well as counter a powerful normative system; not letting fear drive relationships.

“Build for the lovely unexpected” – engaging with others based on want instead of duties and demands.

“Fake it till you make it” – forgiving yourself for sometimes succumbing to normative pressures; envisioning how you would like your life to look; creating guidelines and sticking to them; seeking support from likeminded others.

“Trust is better” – trusting that others do not wish you harm; trusting without constant validation; supporting someone’s need to withdraw when they are low on energy.

“Change through communication” – communication is at the center of radical relationships, not just a reaction to arising “problems”; we are accustomed to avoiding speaking our true thoughts and feelings, so we must ask and be explicit.

“Customize your commitments” – clearly defining commitments within each individual relationship; may or may not be monogamous.

Empathy, communication, and consent are the guiding principles of RA. It means believing that traditional romantic love and partnership do not have to be the top of the pyramid; in fact, our relationships need not be hierarchal at all.

If I am in a relationship that has heternormative aspects, it is what I want in that context and we have agreed on those terms – not because it’s what I am supposed to want. If I ever get married, it will be a conscious choice for deliberate reasons – not because it’s what society tells me should be the next step in a serious romantic partnership.

Many of my past relationships of all types have fallen apart when unspoken expectations were not met; for example, a longtime best friend expecting to always be prioritized above new friends or a romantic partner expecting around-the-clock emotional support.

How can something so vast and complex – human relationships – possibly fit into one box?

What if we consistently valued all of our bonds, wove a tapestry of connections, and built strengthened networks?

These ideas may seem radical, but I believe that we can all benefit from bringing more open communication and value into all of our relationships. RA is not equivalent to fearing commitment; instead, it is about making intentional, strong commitments that work for everyone involved. It is about freeing yourself from the idea that love is only valid if it meets certain expectations.

Rather than automatically privileging one relationship type, please ask me about all of the connections that are currently enriching my life – including my most primary relationship, which will always be with myself. If we gave the same time, energy, empathy, and value to ourselves as we give away, our self-sufficiency would only enable us to do greater things and be open to more mature, thoughtful, meaningful relationships with others.

As conversations around mental health, self-care, and self-love become more normalized, I often find myself relieved to know I can voice my issues, yet frustrated that I still seem to lack the proper tools and know-how to truly correct my unhealthy and exacerbating habits. While well-meaning reminders from friends and family members to “take care of myself” and “be kind to myself,” are appreciated, I find little utility in these recommendations. What does it really mean to be kind to yourself or to love yourself? What does that require and how do you know when you’re doing it right? The answer might seem intuitive to some. Surely happiness and freedom from stress are indicators of proper self-management and mental health, but what about when joy seems to have dissipated through the cracks of uncertainty, or when the stress is inexorable? As Duke students, most of us have probably accepted the existence of at least a base-level of stress throughout the duration of our careers here. It’s supposed to be rigorous and hard. Outside of our school work, we tend to fill the rest of our time with extracurriculars and other obligations, leaving little time in the course of a day for reflection and decompression. While this is typical of high-achievers and what seems to be necessary for success in this highly competitive world, it also seems to serve another end as well: distraction from our other, often deeper problems. It is easier to ignore your problems when you have constant stimulation to carry you through the day. To surround yourself with others is to never have to confront the demons that emerge when you are the only person around to which your inner critic can direct disparaging thoughts and insecurities. Yet this distraction often comes at a major cost in other areas of life, making the negotiated area between activity and free time wholly unequivocal when it comes deciphering its effects on mental health and implications for practicing self-care and self-love. This poem is an exploration of what attempts at self-love look like when the path to mental health is shrouded in uncertainty, as well as an expression of what it feels like to grasp for practical applications of self-love, only to come up empty handed in times of need. It is my hope that through self-reflection, we may all extricate and relinquish the voice of negativity that prevents us from having relationships with ourselves that are full of forgiveness, compassion, trust, security, and most importantly, love.

I sit in my bed at 9pm on a Saturday night;
No one has invited me anywhere.
While Netflix plays its illusory scenes of escapism
Before my glazed eyes below furrowed brows,
I do in fact feel sorry for myself.
I put on a face mask.
How many of those equals a full night’s sleep?
I tell myself I will get full night’s sleep tonight,
But I am kept awake by the creeping thought
That my friends don’t really like me.
Eventually I fall asleep,
And sleep until noon the next day.
It’s 9pm on a Saturday night
And I am lonely.

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I climb into bed on a Tuesday night;
It has been an extremely long and busy day,
But, I feel contented, confident, and untroubled.
I said something smart in class today,
And then proceeded to impress my piano teacher
With flawless fingering.
That catch-up meal after it had “been too long”
Went delightfully, and I didn’t eat too much.
I even went to the gym
And finished all my reading for class.
My friends showered me with compliments
On a successful performance from the week before.
But now it’s 3am on a Wednesday
And my alarm is going off in three and half hours.

I am a firm believer in swiping left.

Shirtless pic? Left.

Bad grammar in your bio? Left.

More than 20 miles away? Left.

Duke student? Hard left.

Maybe that’s cynical.

Maybe my inherent fear that I will actually see someone outside of Tinder is unjustified and childish, but I enjoy playing God on an app where I am not held accountable in the least and am not forced to see the people that I actually do swipe right on.

But we’ve all been there.

Desperately searching for someone worthy of matching with, hoping that they wouldn’t begin the conversation with a sexually explicit pick-up line that would better suit a horny 15-year-old boy. Feeling slightly disappointed when Jameson, 21, 5 miles away, with a body like Chris Hemsworth and a bio that oozes charisma starts off with a simple ‘U dtf?’. Sighing to yourself when you finally realize that maybe resigning to a life of cat-ladyhood is not so bad, or worse, that maybe you will have to venture out into the real world.

I’m not saying I need a man. My mother has raised me to be a strong, independent woman, inspiring me with stories of our female ancestors, each trailblazers in their own time, from my fashion-focused grandmother, sassy and beautiful at 90, to my fiery and “wise-beyond-her-years” 15-year-old cousin, I am surrounded by strong women at every turn.

Nonetheless, with Valentine’s day slowly rearing its depressing, chocolate-covered, rose-adorned head, I came to realize that I am painfully single, more evident when the Muse announced their issue would be ‘Love and Relationships’ for the first publication of the semester.

I, an avid left swiper, concocted a plan with the only thing that has supplemented my basically nonexistent love life since coming to Duke.

If every other boy is so disgusting on Tinder, what are Duke boys like?

It’s no surprise to many that the male population at Duke has a reputation. Duke has too high a sexual assault statistic, and a Google search of ‘Duke Fraternities’ casts a shadow on an otherwise elite institution. I’ve heard many people classify a large number of Duke men as following a ‘ask forgiveness rather than permission’ motto. Many women at Duke don’t feel safe on campus.

With this knowledge in hand, I had an unwavering vision of writing a scalding article where I exposed the male Duke Tinder users for their vulgar language, single-minded aims, and blatant misogyny when talking through a screen. I envisioned sending them the link to this very article and showing them all that they should be held accountable for their actions, to show them that they would now have to face the consequences! Exposed!

So, like any good Duke student, I developed an experiment.

My Tinder was previously geared toward attracting my “type” (Edgy boys? Where do you lie in hiding?), and to match with a Duke student, I knew it needed some revamping. So, I scoured my phone for the preppiest photos I could find, which, if you know me, you know are rare. I settled with showing myself in a ray of lights, from intellectual to girly to outgoing to sorority girl and all other notches on the continuum. I changed my bio, referencing a way to open the conversation that would lead to some sort of meaningful conversation as opposed to some sort of sexual innuendo.

I debated not going through with it, hiding my account permanently and resigning myself to spinsterhood (is that dramatic?), but I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and started swiping. The first time I swiped right on a Duke student, my heart nearly exploded in my chest.

In an hour I had matched will no less and no more than 17 Duke students, each of varying degrees of “public policy”, or the like, and all perfectly well rounded and well versed in conversation. Like a spider, I awaited the moment that they said something worthy to put in this article. Something that would show them as the chauvinistic pigs that they were.

My results?

Surprising.

Not only did I find a comprehensive list of every boy from my high school who now attends a Triangle School (you know who you are), but I came to the conclusion that, dare I say, not every Duke student on Tinder is out to get you. In fact, Duke students were some of the only guys on Tinder to actually ask me about my interests, to offer advice and take the conversations slowly.

I received offers to go to Trivia Night at the Krafthouse, to be taken out to dinner, to see movies. I was given class advice, asked about my time at Duke, my experience Rushing, complimented on my academic endeavors, and, more importantly, none of it felt…blatantly creepy. I enjoyed talking to these people. I realize that ulterior motives could possibly have been had, but everything seemed…fine.

In a huff, I anxiously slammed my phone down over dinner at Marketplace, telling my best friend the disappointing yet inspiring news.

“They’re not all bad.” I said, digging my fork into a bowl full of garbanzo beans, and shoveling them into my mouth angrily. “The boys on Tinder.”

She raised an unapproving brow, warning me that this could go one of two ways. It could go well. Or terribly.

I realized, much to my chagrin, that I had no content.

That nothing that had happened on any of my Tinder conversations or excursions had been notable (except for a particularly terrible date to church (of all places) with a student from…the other blue school, to which I immediately called my mother and ranted on a seemingly empty ride to East Campus on a C2) but that instead I had renewed hope for the next three years at Duke.

Don’t get me wrong.

I am still single.

But I am now single by choice, open to meeting the amazing population of young leaders surrounding me at a top-rated institution.

Maybe that’s not the point of Tinder. Maybe Tinder is simply a great way to “cut through the crap” and meet the otherwise busy student body of a school that puts academics at a forefront. Maybe I am just a cynic, destined to spend my days with a knit blanket and a rerun of the Golden Girls blaring on television somewhere secluded with my cats. Or maybe, this Valentine’s Day, I should focus less on stereotypes, and more on living in the moment. More on enjoying the people who are around me. And more on being happier where I am, and taking life (and dating) one swipe at a time.

Before this year, I could probably count the number of times I had cried on one hand. I don’t think I was a particularly heartless person, but I just never felt a need to cry. Happiness, stress, or sadness? To me, emotions were best expressed through words or hugs, not by tears streaming endlessly down my face. The few times I did cry, especially when frustrated or enraged, I would storm off into my room, slam the door, and sob alone until the tears ran dry. I saw crying as an uncontrollable, embarrassing expression- one that should stay hidden behind closed doors, instead of for all to see. This past year has changed my views completely. Crying is a strength, not a weakness, an act to be embraced, rather than shamed or ignored.

At its core, crying is a raw expression of emotion. The body becomes so overwhelmed, with grief, appreciation, or confusion that physically manifest in the outpouring of tears. I experienced this first hand. Last semester, for two weeks straight, I cried every day. Initially, I cried in response to the Kavanaugh hearings.  At first, I was shocked by my tears because I had already lived through Trump’s first two years and remained resilient, determined to never stop fighting. But the Kavanaugh hearings themselves were devastating and numbing.

I remember leaving the Women’s Center following Lindsey Graham’s avid endorsement of Kavanaugh, feeling betrayed and horrified. Words could not capture the injustice and unfairness I had just witnessed at the hearing. I saw myself- as a woman interested in politics- denigrated and disrespected in the treatment of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. A man who fundamentally violated a woman’s autonomy and committed a horrendous act was rewarded with a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land.

Watching the political apathy and lack of response on Duke’s campus proved further disappointing.  It was as if nothing had changed. Routines were in place. Classes resumed and assignments continued piling up. With the exception of my Women and Popular Culture professor, not a single one of my instructors acknowledged the hearings. The day I left the Women’s Center crying was the night of open selective living group parties. I didn’t understand how other students could continue going out, worrying about alcohol orders and playlists, when a catastrophic event had just taken place with Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the U.S. Supreme Court.

That night, I stayed in, feeling extremely out of touch with this campus, the world, and my place in it. My understanding of right and wrong came crashing down, and I didn’t know how to cope or reduce the dissonance. I remember crying and feeling so much pain, wondering why the world was so unfair, benefiting those who had committed the most egregious, problematic acts at the expense of the innocent. I asked why some of us were born destined to have the odds stacked against us—not only at Duke but also for the rest of our lives. I ended last semester hopeless and distraught, feeling a depth of emotion that I hadn’t before.

I can acknowledge now that I don’t feel searing pain or want to burst into tears when I think about the Kavanaugh confirmation. Correcting professors for making racial microaggressions or defaulting to male pronouns isn’t as draining and emotionally tolling for me as it was a semester ago. I’m not sure what really changed between last December and this January, but I see the hurt that I endured as a symbol of strength. I am able to truly understand what is at stake. Political issues are not just debate topics or theories; they affect my and other people’s very real lives. That same depth of emotion- the pain- has driven an understanding and lifelong commitment to equity, for me and others.

A semester ago, I would not have written this piece. Crying was a weakness, and I would not have wanted to be so honest about what I had gone through. But this semester, something has changed.  I have learned to value the parts of myself that traditionally, I cut off and shut down. I met someone who taught me to see beauty in raw emotional vulnerability and openness. This same person has shown the power of language and coming to terms with how I truly feel. I have seen how the very same emotions that I felt were destructive and excruciating can be transformed into the utmost joy and appreciation- the feelings of being on top of the world.

I have been encouraged to be emotive- to say I love you and to feel love endlessly.  My parents, my sister, and my friends make me grateful each and every day to be alive. Last week, I wrote on my arm, “how lucky am I” because I was surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about. I am so appreciative to have a sister that I would make endless sacrifices for.  When I visited her two weekends ago and we biked around her campus, I started crying. She looked at me and asked if my tears were from watching her grow up. I shook my head “no”. I could not verbalize the immense appreciation of being present in that moment and spending time with her. Instead of wiping away my tears, I acknowledged them and smiled. I told her how happy I was to be with her in person, talking and laughing at her jokes, instead of communicating through 1 AM conversations on FaceTime.

I am lucky because this semester, I have experienced emotional liberation. I embrace telling people how I feel, no matter the risks. I have noticed that I am in a much more emotionally stable place, in which I can help my friends with their difficulties and troubles. I have the emotional energy and time to listen and be present with them. I can offer my endless support and actually mean it. I am fortunate and grateful to live in a world where I can see hope for the future. Instead of scaring me, the Kavanaugh confirmation gives me a reason to live and fight each and every day.

The hearings demonstrated how far we have to go and the work needed in my lifetime and future generations to come. I am inspired by some of the new women in Congress (although I must admit- there are still very few) who are bold changemakers and unapologetically progressive. I feel lucky to grow up in an era where there are politically active women of color I look up to at Duke and in the nation. They inspire me to do better and stay committed, no matter the stakes. I want to end with a message for all the women who have felt brushed off, suppressed, or silenced-there is a light to every dark day. The path to true liberation is extremely difficult and can appear long and winding around the privileged, white ivory towers of institutions like Duke. However, if you look in the right places, there is hope and overwhelming love.

Channeling my thoughts as I prepare for my first rush event: you are a fun-loving, down-to-earth, crazy, but the perfect amount of crazy, kind of person. Don’t come on too strong. Don’t be too quiet. Don’t talk too much. Don’t talk too little. Be chill. But funny…actually…witty. Don’t be too dorky, too deep, too superficial. Don’t say the wrong thing. Be yourself!

Everyone has a rush story. And they are all valid.This piece is not about all of the stories that we all know: the stories of people sitting around ranking people, discussing the one thing someone said or did incorrectly, emphasizing the reasons another person must not be accepted, or the stories of certain people getting accepted over others for surface-level reasons. The reality is, the gossip emerges once a year, comes and goes, and rush continues year after year.

Nevertheless, we are probably all sick of talking about why rush sucks, especially now that everything has quieted down. It’s over now! It can leave our conscience.

Finally. The break-downs have begun to dissipate, the justifications of why we did not rush, why we dropped rush, or why we picked the group we did, no longer holds such a central place in our conversations, and everyone is settling into their “places” and with their found people at Duke. Or that is what seems to be true.

What we may not realize is that, once again, we have reinforced a standard of behavior. We have left an imprint in the minds, bodies, and spirits of every individual on this campus, an imprint of what did I say or do wrong, an imprint of questioning enoughness, an imprint of judgement, an imprint of comparison, and an imprint of accentuating identity labels and their inevitable impact.

For my literature class, I read a work by Hume called “Of the Standard of Taste,” in which Hume tries to outline a plausible, objective standard of beauty. I’m sure we can all at least slightly discern the problematic nature of this.. Hume recognizes this  by pointing to the subjective nature of this world: we all have different backgrounds, different perspectives, different cultures, and different sentiment. How could we all possibly agree on what is objectively beautiful? His answer to this is that it is possible, but extremely rare, for someone to arrive at what is objectively beautiful if they have a delicate and refined taste for judging beauty.

The subjective and unknown criteria that committees and groups use is similar to the arbitrariness involved in attempting to standardize and force judgment on something like beauty. Herein lies the question: why would we institutionally enforce an objective judgment of beauty, an objective judgment of anything? The key word here is “enforce.”

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We have immersed ourselves in a process that places an objective standard that one feels they must uphold. And we barely even know what that standard is. In a community of people of vast differences in every regard, we have closed ourselves off, we have suppressed to varying degrees our true selves, we have labeled, we have limited, we have given ourselves to obligation, we have questioned our place, and we have judged. We have judged ourselves, others, our relation to others; we have judged judgment itself.

What we may not realize is that rush may be over, but the imprint it leaves remains in our consciousness. We have reinforced a standard of behavior. An extremely rare occurring standard, an objectively perfect standard as widely respected philosopher Hume puts it. Nevertheless a standard we feel we must uphold.

I am confused why difference is not in the societal definition of perfection. I am confused as to why we would want one another to feel limited, to feel like we are competing with one another, to feel like we are not enough. I am confused as to why we women are so hard on ourselves, why we perpetuate shame in our subconscious, why we have such a difficult time embracing ourselves and embracing each other. Where on the historical timeline, did we think it was a good idea to talk about people as if they do not have a story, as if they do not have just as much of a presence on this earth as everyone else. We have an opportunity to set each other free of an unrealistic and, honestly, boring standard.

So, here’s to stating an unabashedly cliche truth: come on how you want to come on, talk as much or as little as you want, be wild or don’t be wild…or both. And speak your body and your mind the way that makes you feel free.

My first exposure to Duke’s hookup culture was during O-Week, at the one and only Shooters Saloon. At Shooters, you are either drunkenly making out with a stranger, pressed up against the fogged up mirror barely able to move, or you are not. Though I have never really wanted to be that person, I have often felt pressure that I should be that person. There have been times in the middle of the dance floor that I have wished I was more drunk; I thought that if I had more liquid courage in me, I could get over my dislike of random hookups. Having that realization, and questioning why I felt that pressure, was when I first realized that I was unsatisfied with Duke’s hookup culture. Why does it feel like every person is hooking up with someone else, and if you aren’t, you feel like you should be? Why does no one talk about the hookup culture? Do other people feel dissatisfied in the same way that I do?

To answer these questions, I wanted to interview a variety of people with different sexual orientations to see how they felt. I attempted to interview students in different graduating classes for a  range of perspectives. I want to make it clear that these interviews are in no way representative of the entire LGBTQIA+ community at Duke, nor do they represent the entire heterosexual community at Duke. They are simply a variety of interesting accounts about the culture at our school – a culture that I think is worth talking about.

“I was expecting a vibrant queer community”

Two different people said that, upon arriving at Duke, they hoped to find a gay community and were disappointed when they did not find a prominent one. Two different people that I interviewed said they had recently come out in high school, and were hoping to find the community they did not have in high school at college. However, it was not that easy. One student said “Duke hookup culture is weird in the gay community. You can’t hookup with someone and then not be friends with them. If you did that you would have no gay friends. It makes building a gay community difficult because we’ve all hooked up with each other.” On top of the small community of openly gay students, many feel that the gay hookup culture is more subtle and secretive compared to the straight culture. While there are countless heterosexual couples hooking up in Shooters, one gay man said that he would “not feel safe or comfortable doing the same, given the environment.” We must ask ourselves why certain gay people at our school feel this way, and whether this sentiment a bigger message about Duke heteronormative culture itself. Another student discussed how Greek life is also a barrier to gay hookups: “All but a few Greek frats are becoming more and more accepting of gay people, but Greek life also creates a barrier within the LGBT community and makes the pool of people to date or hookup with smaller.” While I have seen many Greek organizations post about upcoming trainings and events to further support LGBTQIA+ students in the system, there is clearly more work to be done.

“Why do we treat each other like we’re nothing?”

One student shared how unsatisfying hookups have been for them. After a hookup, they said, both people typically “pretend like it never happened.” They were frustrated with how much we have normalized the culture of drunk and unemotional hookups: “It makes us believe that it would be ridiculous to connect in any other circumstance other than under the influence and prepared for it to not be emotional.” While some people are completely fine with a purely physical interaction, many others are not and crave a connection with others. For this student, who wants more of an emotional connection, Duke’s hookup culture is unsatisfactory: “For something that, in essence, is supposed to be satisfying, Duke hookup culture is one of the most unsatisfying things I have ever been involved in.”

“Hookups in a heteronormative environment are made all the more difficult, and honestly require prior knowledge of whether or not the other person is also not straight.”

Multiple people discussed Duke’s heteronormative hookup culture; we have a tendency to assume that heterosexuality is the default. One first-year I interviewed expressed how the heteronormativity can be difficult to navigate, as you have to know what the person identifies as beforehand. We tend to describe hookup culture in general terms and assume that everyone navigates it just as easily, when LGBTQIA+ people do not share the same experience.

Through reviewing interview/survey results, it was very validating to have other people agree that Duke’s hookup culture is not perfect and can be disappointing for many people. There is still clearly a lot of work to be done to make people of all sexualities feel safe at Duke, and create a culture in which everyone can feel free to express themselves in public or private. While I do not have any magical solutions (though I wish I did), I think one of the first steps to fix a broken culture is to talk about it. Navigating the Duke hookup scene can be tricky, and we have to ensure that everyone student’s voice is being heard when we discuss it. 

His long legs stretched out the length of my bed, and his gaze focused on anywhere but my own.

“So yea, I think I have feelings for you.” His words come out smoothly, without any hesitation. I was surprised– not just by his statement of affection, given we’d already tried to be something more than friends two months prior, but by his willingness to say exactly what he felt. I mumbled some kind of non-answer, and we left it at that.

I had never had an interaction with someone who was so outright with how they felt. At the time, I was notorious for using passive aggression to communicate my emotions. It had been pretty much accepted as a part of who I was, until I started attending a new high school. There, the students operated with constant and open communication. Fights were resolved with words. Relationships lived and died with conversations. Feelings were expressed out in the open, rather than shoved in some deep, hidden abyss. And, I was completely unprepared.

Growing up, I never truly learned how to productively communicate my emotions. When I was angry at my parents, I would storm upstairs and let the rage pass with my locked bedroom door as protection. When I was upset, I would wait until I was in my car alone to let tears spill. I found ways of letting out built up emotions without having to address them head on. It was certainly not a healthy way to handle myself, but it worked well enough for me. I let things that were bothering me continue. I ignored problems and pushed on.

I think we expect people to immediately know how to talk about their feelings. We get justifiably frustrated when people fail to be direct with their problems. For me, it was a learning process. It took practice. I attempted to have the tough conversations with my loved ones, because I knew that it was the right way to handle things. I would stare at the floor and try my best to put what I felt out there. I worked to embrace the discomfort and vulnerability. It was a challenge for me, and it is an ongoing project.

Relationships require communication. We all know it, but we all haven’t developed the skills needed to have effective conversations. Some of us need a nudge in the right direction. I wouldn’t have tried to have conversations about my feelings if there weren’t people showing me how to and encouraging me. My friends forced me into the difficult conversations. Unbeknownst to them, by initiating conversations about something that was bothering them in our friendship, they were teaching me what it means to be in a healthy relationship. I am certain my failure to communicate my feelings directly was frustrating, but they gave me the space I needed to start learning how to have those conversations.

We all start from different places in our communication skills. Learning how to talk about our feelings and about problems in our relationships is absolutely imperative for maintaining healthy relationships. Sometimes this means that those well-versed in emotional communication need to help their friends who are better at burying their feelings. Those of us that are learning to express our feelings need to learn the value of productive conversations and embrace the discomfort. It feels better to be in a relationship built upon real communication. Trust me, I am working to leave those days of crying in the car behind me. It takes time, it takes vulnerability, but the strength of my relationships has only improved since learning to confront my emotions.

My relationship with my mom has always been a female to female relationship that supported me and helped me. I feel very fortunate to have a driven, compassionate, and smart mom to help guide me through my life, and I have been able to learn many things from her and seek comfort in her during hard times.

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Mother-daughter relationships are really formative. They instill you with the values that you will hold closest to you and practice throughout your life. Oftentimes, your mother can be the one that you choose to test your values against or resist, explicitly for that reason. In high school, I often rebelled against my mom, and now in college, my mom is the person I identify with the most and listen to religiously because I have come to understand that she knows the world better than I do and is the only person who can support me in the exact way that I need to be supported because she created me.

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Our female-to-female relationship has been able to help guide me through the world due to the many shared experiences that our gender brings forth. My mother is someone with whom I share the joys that I find in the world through my place as a woman, but also with who I share the pain that accompanies it at times.

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Many cultures understand the mother-daughter bond as sacred, and I have come to understand why in my distance away from her due to being at school. Hearing the sound of her voice or her encouraging words is something that can instantly alter my mood, and that type of connection is one that I believe is unique and to be cherished and grateful for. I feel lucky to be able to find solace in our relationship, and a smile always stretches wide across my face from knowing that she will be there to continue to cheer me on, sending me surprise care-packages and texts that make me smile. I hope that I continue to learn from my mother, and that I can eventually be as strong and knowledgeable as she is.

Although the season of love is coming to a close, people will continue to f*ck long after February is over. This is no secret, yet we refrain from talking about crucial aspects of sex as if they are meant to be kept confidential. As if it’s healthy to sleep with someone without knowing if they have a clean bill of health. As if it’s healthy to not know your own bill of health. As if contraception and protection are optional at best and as if coercion and pressure mean consent. This isn’t aimed at shaming anyone – there is no judgement here – but perhaps we should all take a minute to consider if the sexual practices we are engaging in are safe and beneficial for us.

There is an unsettling trend in the way we talk about sex and sexual acts. The words we use, the topics we focus on, and the unspoken truths of the things we fail to say are not acceptable and should no longer be accepted. I, for one, want us to reimagine and reconstruct the way we discuss sex and what it is that we set out to talk about.

On Duke’s campus alone, there are so many resources for people who have questions about sexual health, for those who need advice or guidance in regard to sexual activities, and for people who simply want to learn more about themselves and others. Serious conversation on the tougher topics of sex are not always easy to start with friends which is why groups like Peer Advocacy for Sexual Health (PASH) exist. This is a group run by students, for students. Their mission is to create a safe and judgement-free space that fosters open discussion about sexuality, sexual relations, and sexual health. To learn more about them, check out their website: https://dukepash.weebly.com/about-us.html.

The Wellness Center also serves as a beneficial resource for Duke students. They offer sexual health workshops and an anonymous blog (https://sites.duke.edu/gsduke/) that students can send questions into in order to get reliable answers from professionals. DuWell also provides sex supplies such as condoms and lubricants around campus – for free. This means there is no reason to not be stocked up for the act or to at least be prepared in the case that you do ever find yourself in a sexual situation. Proactivity is healthier and safer than reactivity, and by going to locations that offer these supplies such as the Center for Multicultural Affairs, the Women’s Center or the Mary Lou Williams Center with friends, safe sex can become more normalized and conversations about protection and health can become more prevalent.

Lots of groups on campus either offer or host free, confidential testing for common sexually transmitted diseases. Know Your Status is a group who routinely offers HIV testing, and other groups such as Duke NAACP provide regular opportunities for STD testing as well. One of the best ways to destigmatize STD testing is to talk about it with friends and planning to go together to provide support and comfort. The results of testing may not always be easily dealt with, but it is important to figure out and understand your sexual health so that you can treat issues if and when necessary. CAPS, Counseling and Psychological Services, may be a good option to talk through emotions and problems regarding testing in addition to simply being a good resource for working through your headspace on any given topic. Although it can be scary to get tested, it is important to get tested regularly and to get tested as soon as possible after engaging with new sexual partners. STDs and infections don’t have to show symptoms and are often more easily treatable when identified and diagnosed sooner if treatments are available. Thus, keeping a regular gauge on your sexual health status and figuring it out as soon as it may have changed is vital for ensuring you are being the most healthy you can be.

Additionally, it is important to note that there are many things that we weren’t taught in sex ed that we should seek to learn now. I didn’t hear about consent and what that truly entailed until I was 17 and I bet that plenty of other people didn’t learn it at an early age either. It is important to take the time to understand consent. Consensual sexual activities do not mean the absence of a no, pressuring, coercing, or blackmailing someone into finally resigning to a sexual act, or forcing yourself onto someone else and violating their autonomy and body. Consent means clear communication and understanding between two or more partners, a continual agreement to activities, and respect for each partner’s wishes throughout a sexual engagement, and thus their decision to stop activities at any point in time. Normalizing conversations about consent and clearly helping uninformed peers about what that means is extremely necessary on our campus and beyond.

It’s easy to see that there are resources aplenty, yet these tools are pointless if 1) people don’t know about them and 2) people don’t talk about why they are so important. These resources are crucial because they push sexual health and awareness to the forefront and normalize conversations about topics of sexual health. We need to talk about routine testing and understanding consent. We need to become more comfortable talking about the things that are societally uncomfortable to talk about. We need to talk about the non-fun aspects of sex, the issues we’ve had, and the things that I am failing to mention here. To do this, we need to flip the conversations and talk about sex in a new way, taking advantage of the resources that Duke offers to do this and to guide our conversations. Open conversation is the key to de-stigmatization and to a new era of sexual health and understanding.

So, let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about sex like we never have before.