Feminizing Femininity

A voice crackling with mucus calls for my presence. I can’t tell if the static is coming from the dusty old TV or his throat, which is even older and probably dustier than the TV. Laying out a sigh, I sluggishly get up, drag myself across the living room, and head to my grandparents’ room. Hope they didn’t hear that. Last time that happened they told my mom that she’s raised such a rude child. Smile, Kaitlyn. You can do this, I tell myself as I knock on the door twice. No more, no less. Only twice, ever so gently.

“Did you call?” Uh oh, I should raise my voice a tone higher. Lying down on his side in front of the TV, as usual, my grandpa barely turns his head to glance at me.

“How’s school?” he asks as he turns his attention to peeling what seems like his fifth tangerine.

“I got 100’s on all my midterms except one!” I tell him, my smile turning into a smirk for a split second.

“Hm. Don’t study too hard, you know. As long as you do somewhat average, it’s more important that you get married to a good husband later on.” Little does he know that I’ll get 100’s on all of my finals that year, nor that he was my greatest inspiration.

“By the way, how are your parents getting along these days? Any progress?” Ah, here we go again. 

“They’re always the same, I guess.” So don’t get your hopes up. Thankfully, I swallowed the other half of the sentence down my throat.

“How about you tell your mom that you want a baby brother? Don’t you want one too? Maybe you don’t get it yet because you’re still too young, but once you grow older and your parents eventually pass away, you will feel lonely for not having a family to rely on.” The things you tell your ten-year-old granddaughter.

“I will! In fact, I’ll go tell her that right now! Thank you so much!” I bow slowly, for extra politeness points, turn, and walk away as fast as I can. No running though. That’s rude.

“What did he tell you this time?” My mom opens her arms wide, and I crawl under the blankets and into her embrace.

“He told me to tell you that I want a baby brother. But you know that I don’t already, right?” I pause as a lightning of thought suddenly strikes me. “Are you not getting another baby just because I don’t like it when you actually want to?” The corners of my lips tremble half of fear, the other half to stop my tears. I bury my face into my mom’s chest as a desperate attempt to dry them away with her warmth.

“Kaitlyn, you’re the only child I want and need. Even if you did tell me that you wanted a baby brother, that wouldn’t have changed my mind one bit.” It takes a few more years for me to learn about physical autonomy and sexism, and a bit more for me to join my college feminist magazine club. For now, I just let out a sigh of relief, knowing that I will forever be her most beloved.

“Don’t listen to what he says. You’re letting him win. Do you understand what I mean?”

“Yeah, I think so. By the way, you know what else he told me? To not study too hard and get married to a decent guy. I’m just going to ignore that too, you know. I’m going to live however I want.” I say as I hold the peace sign next to my right eye, probably my favorite pose at the time judging by my old photos.

“That’s the spirit!” says my favorite person, as she hugs me even tighter.

That is the spirit that I have been carrying with me ever since. That is the spirit that will keep me company even when I grow older, even after my parents eventually pass away, and even when I lay alone on my deathbed, cold and husbandless.

I can’t remember the first time I realized I was a girl.

I can remember being given mace as a going away present for college because my parents were concerned about my safety. I can remember being told by every guy I knew on the baseball team that I, a softball pitcher of 10 years, couldn’t possibly strike them out because softball was the easy version of baseball. I can remember being touched inappropriately time and time again in my elementary school halls like all the other girls were, as if it were a rite of passage. I can remember seeing my best friend’s genitals when we were in kindergarten and realizing that his didn’t look like mine.

I can remember the many times that I have been defined as a girl and by being a girl, but I can’t remember the first. Throughout my life, I have been outlined and filled in countless times as female, but I’m not sure I’ll ever quite know what my femininity means to me.

The only constant of my femininity in the span of my life is that it itself has never been constant.

As a toddler and young girl, I was never really into Barbies or dolls, though I’d grown my auburn curls to my waist by the time I was five. Then I promptly cut it off to my shoulders and headed into a so-called “tomboy” phase. In middle school, I went a little boy crazy and became obsessive about my size and appearance. This carried over into the first half of high school before the second half resulted in an unmatched intellectual awakening and new urgency to know myself beyond the surface. In my first two years of college, I have realized all over again that I am a girl just as I am becoming a woman – perhaps even, I have realized this all over again because I am becoming a woman and must consider what this means for my existence in the world. 

I have never fully considered my femininity, let alone labeled it. However, I often wonder how others might.

Sometimes I’m sort of masculine.

I go to the gym a lot and lift heavy weights – I drink protein shakes too. I curse frequently and am not shy about what I think or how I feel. I’m outgoing, I’m loud, I’m confident, and I have a lot of energy. I give off hard to read vibes and I can be intimidating, I’m told. But once people know me, they usually love me and trust me. I’m laid back. Easy going. I keep it simple and my clothes aren’t super girly. I’d rather wear workout clothes than anything else. I don’t wear makeup often. I don’t know the last time I wore a dress or and definitely don’t know the last time I wore heels.

But I do wear makeup, and fix my hair, and wear dresses, sometimes.

Sometimes I’m sort of feminine.

I’m vulnerable and empathetic and a great listener. I like helping other people solve their problems. I like cuddling and being held and being listened to. I like having opportunities to open up and be heard and express myself creatively. I cry, very infrequently, but still, I cry. I menstruate. I love to dance and go out and party with my girlfriends. I love being surrounded by beautiful and lovely women in my life who make me want to be a better person. I’m a big fan of reading and writing and sitting outdoors in nature. I like making people laugh and smile. I love telling people how much they mean to me. I like quality time.

But I wouldn’t consider any of these features to be masculine or feminine by nature or substance – I’m merely supposing what would be and likely is supposed by others who know me. I wonder if my femininity confuses them as much as it confuses me.

The issue is, these things aren’t gendered – or at least they shouldn’t be. However, society has constructed silos for appearances, expressions, personalities, emotions, and the span of all characteristics which can be attributed to humankind. However, society has made things this or that, male or female, black or white, when we live in a world that for most people, including myself, is undeniably gray.

I cannot understand or define my femininity on a binary, stereotyped, or expectant dichotomy that tells me because I am female, I should be [blank]. Though I am a female-presenting woman, I have never filled in the blanks accordingly and I don’t intend to start now. This may make my shape-shifting femininity impossible to put into words or for me to understand, but I am a complex woman with a complex identity who could never truly be put into words anyways.

If I must say what my femininity means to me, it means possibility. If I must say what my femininity means to me, it means change. If I must say what my femininity means to me and how I would define it, it means I can be whoever I want to be. It means that though I am a female, a girl, a woman, I am also a human who will forever be becoming another version of myself — complicated, complex, and nearly impossible to label.

Femininity (n.) is defined as such: “qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of women.” To me, though, femininity does not just mean acting in a “womanish” way. Who decides what constitutes “womanish” anyway? Hell if I know, but if I had to guess, I’d say it wasn’t a woman. If you ask me, I’d shift this responsibility to a broad scope of individuals, individuals applying collected personalized norms. I maintain that generalizations of what constitutes femininity does a disservice to the people it addresses. The term “girly” should not have the limiting societal leash that it does, as when hot pink is limited to young girls or when any “feminine” type of clothing is customarily illicit for the opposite sex. This isn’t simple fodder, either. It comes down to what people think being a girl entails, which leads to implications and (often unconscious) pressures regarding how they should act (“don’t be too loud in class,” “no one likes a bossy girl”), how they should think (“remember to look out for your brothers, they’re all around your age but they’re boys, they need more time to grow up than you do”), and how they should look (“cover yourself”; your body is subject for the gaze of others from the moment you grow into yourself).

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Most girls are raised with notions, whether expressed or repressed, on who they should want to be and who they are expected to become. Sadly, these wants and expectations can be mutually exclusive. Feminism can be an approach. It can’t be contextualized as adherence to feminine tendencies; if I told you that remembering my manners, spraying myself with perfume, and painting my nails some ungodly purple was how I expressed my femininity…well, then I would be lying. It’s just as important to recognize that this could be another woman’s version of womanhood and truth. Femininity is subjective. Internalized values (of others/society) are the enemy of modern femininity, and the idea that it can be constrained may be accepted (at least in the conventional sense of how society categorizes a “girly girl,” for example), but that doesn’t make it right. We all have roles to play. Some of them are chosen, and others are imposed upon us, often perpetuated by our own hesitation and uncertain commitment to changing ourselves in some uncanny way.

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So, how do we contend with all of this? How can femininity be defined pragmatically, yet without the stringency of expectations that put women, frankly, in boxes? I think the first step is mitigating the constraints of traditional gender roles on both fronts. Easier said than done, I know. These divides start when we are children. I myself remember an instance over ten years ago: the girls in class categorized themselves as “girly girls” (i.e. the more traditionally feminine, preferring “feminine” colors, clothing, and activities) or “tomboys” (a girl who behaves in a typically “boyish manner”). The memory resonates with me. It’s a small example of the ways in which girls are pressed—even among themselves—to choose which “side” they embrace. They can either choose pink or be less than a girl. This is dangerous. A girl can be pretty and smart. She can like shopping and video games. She can like wearing skirts and sweatpants. Not every choice has to be polar. The message women deal with is that they have to either embrace or conceal their femininity. This isn’t right, let alone viable, as women have differently structured desires and definitions of what it means to be a woman.

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All of this to say, when I think about femininity, I first think about what society claims it is and isn’t. I then think about how fragile and misleading such assumptions are. I also think about the choices that women have to make, and how they often have to forego expressions of femininity in order to be taken seriously by others. I want women to live their most authentic lives. I want their own desires and habits to exist unrestrained: to be set as an intrinsic default for action. I want women to think about their wants and not have to compromise, reconsider, or change behaviors based on external implications. Female cooperation is imperative. Sincerity is only meaningful when practiced. Above all, there is no one means to a feminine end, if that’s what you decide you want. Construct the specifics for yourself and no other; disregard the rest.

The definition of femininity, according to Google, is: qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of women. 

So, you may ask, what does femininity mean to me?

When I was in elementary school, femininity equated to dresses and makeup and pink. I would slip on my pink ballet shoes and twirl around in my all-female ballet classes feeling like a princess. I’m not exactly sure when I stopped wanting to feel that way – probably around the same time my mom looked me in the eye when I was twelve and reiterated for the seemingly hundredth time how important it was that I never go anywhere alone. 

That was when femininity began to equate to weakness in my mind. Being naturally independent, I would grit my teeth when she made those comments and feel a flame of indignant rebellion light within me – I did not want to be limited. I aspired to be a fierce, strong, independent young woman. 

As I progressed into middle school, femininity became something I continued to ponder. I attempted to make myself the opposite of any stereotype that was cast upon me because of my gender. I didn’t mind identifying as female, but I was annoyed by some of the connotations that came along with it.

As a result, I challenged myself to do push-ups every day. I entered into our school-wide pi memorization contest, and felt the amazing thrill that only comes with being the only girl on the stage and winning. I became determined to get a STEM degree, not just because I enjoyed math and science, but because I wanted to become a part of balancing the scales in STEM fields. 

Until recently, my frustration has mounted around the way femininity affects me, and the way that gender stereotypes affect women. Two years into college, I have been awakened to the fact that femininity does not just affect women – characteristics that are geared towards one gender or another affect every single person in our society, whether they choose to conform to them or not. 

So now, when you ask me what femininity means to me, one of the first things that comes to mind is a six-year-old boy I used to babysit in my neighborhood. He was very sweet and very hyper, so I would always ask: what do you want to do? He would look up at me with bright blue eyes and run excitedly over to his twin sister’s gigantic doll house. I want to play with the dolls! He would exclaim with pure joy, but then his eyes turned sad. My mom doesn’t like it when I play with dolls. She wants me to go outside and play basketball with my older brother. 

My heart ached for this innocent six-year-old boy who simply wanted to explore his creative mind. When I played with him, I had the privilege of seeing his young mind come alive. He could transport us into another universe where the only worries were which doll stole another doll’s outfit. We would climb mountains and explore the depths of the ocean. He would guide us through a rainforest and solve mysteries that would give Indiana Jones a run for his money. And then his mom would come home, and he would snap back to reality and suppress his creativity while running to go pick up a basketball. 

Gender stereotypes affected him as much as they affected me. What I tended to question as a child, what was deemed the appropriate activity for a young female, was exactly what he longed for and yet could not pursue freely. The same suffocations of femininity that I tried so desperately to escape, he longed for from afar.

The word femininity – the act of defining characteristics of a certain gender – used to bother me because I saw the predominant characteristics associated with women as weakness, fragility, and docility. I am realizing now that characteristics associated with a certain gender do not have to be set in stone. Just as that six-year-old boy can help start to redefine masculinity, I too, can help in redefining femininity. 

I see this reshaping of femininity everywhere I look now. I see it in a conference for undergraduate women passionate about studying and researching physics. I see it in non-profits across the country that are dedicated to ending period poverty and period stigma. I see this reshaping occurring in numerous places on Duke’s campus as well.

My hope for the future would be that the qualities associated with femininity and masculinity would not be attached to their respective genders anymore. My hope would be that the qualities can simply be qualities – no attachments, no expectations, no pressure to conform. I suppose we have come a long way in some regards, but the race isn’t over yet. It will take effort from every person in order for us to reshape these definitions. 

Every day that I stand up a little taller, own what I enjoy doing, and fearlessly challenge the stereotypes trying to define me, is a day spent reshaping the notion of femininity.

Girls perform better than boys in school. Across all grade levels, subject areas, and countries, girls consistently work harder and get higher grades. However, girls’ success in academic performance does not often translate into the workforce. There, men are more likely to be promoted, hold higher-level positions, and have a higher salary.  Some point to the idea that schools are failing to teach girls the rights skills to succeed in the workforce. Right now, schools are rewarding compliance over competition and quiet diligence over risk-taking. In order for girls to succeed, we need to teach them to adopt traditionally masculine traits over feminine traits– to be more confident, to be louder, to take risks. In short, we should teach girls to be more like boys. 

But girls are not defective, and femininity is not bad. So often, equality for women means catching up with men. To be successful is to match up to their successes. However, we need to learn to love the qualities of girls and women.

Whether through nurture or nature, men and women are perceived to have different social characteristics. Men are perceived to be aggressive, competitive, and confident. Women are perceived to be nurturing, collaborative, and humble.  However, caring, collaboration and empathy are too often used to make false judgments about the qualifications of women and girls. Women are too caring so they are natural caretakers. Women are too collaborative so they cannot succeed in a competitive work environment. Women are too emotional so they cannot make important decisions. The list goes on and on. These perceived gender differences form the basis for gender stereotypes where patriarchy privileges masculine traits and looks down on feminine traits. In order to succeed, women are taught to downplay their femininity. Success comes to women when they act more like a man.

I used to think that my femininity was a weakness. In order to be taken seriously, I had to raise my voice and exert my presence to fill a room. I had to be decisive and overly confident, even when that didn’t reflect how I felt inside. I took my behavioral cues from the men in the room —  I needed to be better, more confident, smarter, quicker than the men in the room. I could not let my femininity be a weakness.

But I was misguided. I’ve grown in many ways through college, and this is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. There is strength in listening, caring, and hearing others first. I am okay, now, to not fight to share my opinion first. Instead, I sit and listen to others speak. I try to engage more with the contributions of others. I want to understand where they come from and why they think what they do. I’m more comfortable admitting that I need help, and I defer to the expertise of others. I have managed to organically grow my confidence and learned to love everything about myself — including my femininity.

Imagine the world transformed where feminine traits and values become the norm. Prison would turn from a system of punishment to a place of rehabilitation and healing. Courts and judges would be more sympathetic to those involved and seek to help and not harm. Work would transform from a competitive environment to a collaborative place that values each person’s contributions. Government would become a more caring and empathetic place. Instead of speaking blindly for the people, representatives would listen more to real concerns. A 2016 study showed that female legislators are more collaborative, more willing to work across party lines, and more willing to compromise than male legislators. Given the political gridlock of the last few years leading to several government shutdowns, we need more collaboration in government. Feminine traits of collaboration, care, hard work, and empathy are not weaknesses, but strengths. We could create a more caring and collaborative place for all.

Don’t get me wrong. Confidence is important to foster in girls, especially when the confidence gap persists. Right now, women only feel confident when they are perfect. They see themselves as less qualified and less competent than their male peers. However, trying to close the gap by telling women to be more like men is not the way to go. 

Additionally, I am not suggesting that transforming culture through valuing feminine traits would get rid of gender bias and discrimination. The reason why masculine traits are valued in the first place is due to deep-rooted misogyny that accepts men as better than women — valuing masculine traits is simply coded for valuing men. To address this, we need a larger and more comprehensive transformation. Within this transformation, valuing feminine traits can be a starting point and a principle that should constantly strive for.

So to those who say schools are not teaching girls the right skills: It’s not that schools do not teach the right skills, but that that workplace does not value the right traits. We should be teaching students to listen first, to value the opinions of their classmates, and to work hard and be proud of that. Teaching collaboration, care, and hard work should be the values that create a better workplace. It is time for the workplace to change.

“You throw like a girl!”

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“I need a strong man to come help me lift this box.”

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“Can you act more like a lady?”

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As a child, constantly hearing phrases like the ones above led me to believe that feminine traits were something to be embarrassed about, while masculine personality qualities were something to strive for. Such statements made me angry and confused, and they illustrated to me how genders were unfortunately associated with strength or weakness.

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I was “such a girl” when people discovered my love of playing with dolls, but I was also unlike normal girls when people saw the dark hair covering my arms. I couldn’t understand why these were even insults in the first place. Over the years, I reflected on such comments and began questioning why being too feminine in my personality or too masculine in my physicality was such a concern for others. Personally, sometimes I feel that I am more feminine than masculine, and sometimes it’s the other way around. Why do we have to have a limited and selective amount of femininity and masculinity?

I know that the feminine traits are not weak characteristics. By definition, there are certain qualities such as being empathetic and kind that are considered feminine. Similarly, being assertive and protective are labelled as masculine traits. It may seem that there is no harm in categorizing traits, but gendering these different qualities has become an issue as the masculine set of traits is seen as superior. Even though there are many feminine attributes that are admirable, they are inherently associated with women and are therefore seen as a weakness. These misconceptions have tainted the original definitions of feminine and masculine traits.

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With this in mind, I believe that everyone can define their own femininity, beyond the specific qualities and attributes associated with it. For me, femininity means that we can embrace being gentle while also being brave. It means that we can choose to be reserved but still be courageous. It means we can be emotional while still being assertive. To me, femininity is not limited to the traits that people consider more feminine. Femininity is flexible and can be shaped into whatever we please.