I want to take this journal entry to talk about something more closely related to my journey as a child of two cultures: American and Pakistani.
I previously wrote about this in a course last year, and I will quote it directly below. Today, I want to add to it. I had a conversation with a classmate about this and I couldn’t help but think about it and I want to write about it – I figure that as this is an Intercultural Journal, this counts as a fitting analysis. I hope that I find a way to articulate it clearly, but there’s no guarantee as this is an idea I keep pondering and that is not fully baked. That being said, I just want to begin writing about it.
“I have been struggling with my understanding of the notion that one needs to belong and act according to the community to which he belongs. I am not sure whether this applies to my case, as I do not feel like I belong anywhere. After numerous attempts of trying to find my community, and running to either side of my cultural dichotomy, I have never met the true sense of belonging.
I am the child of Pakistani immigrants, born and brought up in New Jersey, USA. That makes me Pakistani by ethnicity, and American by a technicality. I am both, not one or the other, both.
Growing up in a predominantly white post-9/11 society in the US, I stuck out at school and in my social life. I was oftentimes excluded from groups because I was not like them; I did not have all the same American habits or values instilled in me, or I did not get all the references from cartoons. I looked different and conducted myself contrarily – I was too Pakistani.
Once I became more aware of my Pakistani identity, I figured if I became more in touch with being Pakistani, my search for a belonging would come to an end. Upon visiting Pakistan, I urged my mother to buy me cultural clothes from there so I could fit in and truly look the part. Fascinatingly, every time I walked out in the cultural attire, the increased stares suggested that I stuck out even more; despite knowing the language fluently, wearing Pakistani clothes emphasized how much I was not like them. My American mannerisms were put on display, and I was now too American for them.
Something perplexing, but interesting happened when I lived in Japan and China. Incongruously, in the areas where I had almost zero overlap or hope of belonging, I felt a more positive experience. I was comfortable with my place, and I was treated kindly as a foreigner. I was reminded every day I was a foreigner by overhearing Japanese and Chinese conversations, but I was okay with it as it was true and fixed.
I found more solace in being a total outsider. I did not have the same bounds or allegiance to something, and it felt alleviating. I am still trying to understand what this means. Perhaps it is the fact that I do not have to try to prove my allegiance or how much I am like the people in a desired community. I no longer must prove that I have the same interests as the group, and we all are progressing toward a common goal. Those in the group no longer see me as an imposter or someone trying to fit in.
In Japan and China, I was so different that there was no use in trying to be like them. Nothing could convince the people that I was like them, but there was no point in doing so. This also brings out the pain of not fully belonging to the American or the Pakistani population: I was almost there, not all the way. I speak and conduct myself like an American, while I look Pakistani and generally follow its values.
All I know now is that I am on my own, and I carry with me my multi-faceted identity, and that is okay. The more I see myself as an outsider, the more I can truly be okay with myself and my place.”
I want to add to this by talking about when one is younger, a child. This idea came to me when I went into the Family Mart and picked up a carton of milk. I never tried it before but wanted to try something new that day. I punctured the top with the straw and then I started drinking it. Immediately, I became a little emotional but happy. This was because this milk tasted exactly like the milk I would drink in Pakistan when I was younger. It tastes amazing.
I then began to think about how in my life, oftentimes the smells, tastes, sights, and sounds I associate with Pakistan tend to make me quite emotional. The interesting thing is that I grew up in America my whole life, just taking trips to Pakistan as a youth and then more as I grew up, but not for more than a month at a time. So, why is it that I felt more emotional after drinking something that reminded me of Pakistan, arguably more than something that reminds me of America?
I do remember that I did take a few trips to Pakistan right when I was born for a duration I don’t remember. What I do know, however, is that those trips were formative, just as anything is at that age. They defined my taste and obviously had such an impact on me that I feel nostalgia when experiencing sensations I associate with Pakistan. The weird thing is, though, that I feel more nostalgic about something from Pakistan than I do about America despite being born and raised in the US.
This gets me thinking about the fact that I was a child when in Pakistan. I was very young; I barely spoke and just did what I was told. I was a quiet, obedient baby. This is a known fact about me, Pakistan, and America.
But this makes me ruminate that there is an argument that can be made that one is closer to his culture when he is a kid and does not have the conflicting societal structures between his identities.
I was a quiet kid whose mother tongues are both English and Urdu. When I was in Pakistan as a youth, there was nothing that separated me or made me more “American.” Recall my essay: when I go to Pakistan now, I’m seen as an “American” due to my personality and habits.
So let me make the argument: I was more Pakistani when I was younger because the American mannerisms and lifestyle that hinder my fully being Pakistani simply did not exist then. The younger you are, the more malleable you are. The older you become, the less malleable, and the more rigid your beliefs and lifestyle are as you acquire more traits from where you are brought up. This is not a bad thing by any means, but this is just the truth.
But can I say the same about the US? Growing up in the US as a child also not having any of the Pakistani mannerisms that possibly hinder my fully being “American” would also be a thing, no? I simply don’t know the answer to that question right now. Remember – my ideas aren’t fully baked.
However, what I do know is that I am ethnically Pakistani. Both my parents and their parents and their parents were Pakistani. I’m 100% Pakistani blood, but does this translate into realizing culture? I used to think it didn’t at all (maybe something to help me figure out my identity as an American in a Pakistani body), but now I think it has a role to play. Maybe I was more malleable and suited to Pakistan when I wasn’t hindered by my American mannerisms because I am genetically so, and we have these tendencies that can possibly be traced back to genetics?
I’m not sure, but I keep thinking about this. Why am I closer to my childhood Pakistani side and American young adult side? Why is Pakistan so nostalgic for me? Why isn’t America as nostalgic for me? I’d think that being away from both Pakistan and America here in China would make me nostalgic for America but eating the American jellybeans my dad sent me didn’t have the same nostalgic weight as the milk. The kicker is that the milk is not even from Pakistan. There is definitely something going on here that can be explained by ethnicity/genetics.
The implications for our understanding of culture would be that perhaps we can identify with a culture, as I do with both American and Pakistani culture (I take from both what I believe is most consistent with my moral compass), but it is not everything. Our tendencies, and emotions, can be very much connected to our ethnicity. Maybe our body just feels more at home where it has more ethnic ties, but not culturally. Maybe that is why I feel more at home in the smells and tastes in Pakistan but not in its customs and social aspects compared to the US.
What do you guys think this means? Well, first of all, maybe I should ask you if this point makes sense to you. Then, I should ask you what this means.
