Autumn Roses, lovely and sad

Act I

It seems like I arrived at the estate years ago, but it’s impossible that more than 6 months have gone by. My husband goes through these phases where one day he is in chronic pain and the next he’s completely fine. I don’t know which one I prefer because at least when he’s in pain I can confine him to a certain area of the house. When he feels well he can find me and pester me. We did go for a nice, long walk today along with my step-daughter Sonya and the estate attendants. I love it when I can get out of that stuffy house. Vanya didn’t come with us though. He was sleep. I’ve known him for so long now and thank God I have him to talk to, but at times I want to strangle him. Why can’t he understand that we are only friends– nothing less and, absolutely, nothing more. It’s such a hassle keeping that balance with him. I feel lost here. Before the Professor and I were married, Sonya and I used to talk all the time and now she barely speaks to me. I didn’t mean to hurt her, it just kind of happened. Her lack of verbal communication, however, has not stopped me from noticing her infatuation with the country doctor, Astrov. She’s in love with him. She fawns over his every word. It’s very sweet to see, but it doesn’t seem like he has the same feelings. I’m too shy around him to talk about it, so, I’ve just been watching from afar. I don’t blame Sonya for being intrigued by his thoughts. They are quite bizarre. If I were Sonya I would marry him in a heartbeat, but maybe that’s why I’m in a heap of misery now. At least the estate keepers play music around the house.

Act II

It’s one of the Professor’s bad days. Now, I definitely know which one I prefer more. Being locked in a room with that man is pure torture. He complains the whole time about his pain and how no one listens to him or cares about him. I am his wife and for that reason I love him, but I merely tolerate his presence. It pains me to think that one day I’ll be old like him and aggravate everyone I come into contact with. Vanya, also, started drinking again and with vodka comes vulgarity. At least he’s as annoyed at the Professor at me. Astrov was here again. We had small talk, but something about him frightens me– in a good way– but I don’t know what it is. He’s been here five times this week and he’s always carrying these maps and carrying on about the forest. It’s quite endearing. I finally confronted Sonya about everything– the fact that she hasn’t talked to me in weeks, why I fell in “love” with her father, and I tried to give her some advice on living in this mundane world. It’s nice to know I have another friend in the house besides Vanya and a woman none the less. She told me how much she loves the doctor and it really got me thinking about my own feelings towards him. Why do I get shy? Why do I listen to him talk about forests? I don’t even like forests.

Act III

So… I am beyond bored. It isn’t even possible for someone to be this bored. Sonya, Vanya, and I just sit around the house and they tease me about being a witch and putting spells on people. Vanya says I have mermaid blood. Whatever that means! Sonya’s having a hard time with the fact that Astrov doesn’t notice her, so, I volunteered to talk to him. It probably wasn’t the smartest move on my part. I realize that I like him a lot and I’ve noticed when he comes here he is always looking at me or finding a way to talk to me. I made up some stupid excuse to talk to him about Sonya, but inside I know it was for me. I guess I was testing my limits, but it really went too far. The worst part is Vanya saw us. I’m mortified and embarrassed and I don’t know if Vanya is going to tell my husband. I’ve asked Astrov not to come back to the estate, but it doesn’t matter now because I have to leave. My husband had some absurd proposition to sale the estate and it sent the house into a complete frenzy. Vanya tried to kill the Professor. I tried to stop Vanya and thank God he missed and gave up. Poor Sonya… I feel horrible leaving her like this and knowing what I’ve done, but I have to leave.

Act IV

I left the estate today with my husband. I know I’ll lead a boring life. One without love or passion, without children or adventure. Knowing my fate, I approached Astrov one last time. I was nervous and heartbroken given our last encounter. I can’t help, but to think he’s the man I’m supposed to be with. I’ll never know, but I left with a little reminder– the pencil he uses to draw his maps. I’m happy to have left because I don’t want to be unfaithful to my husband. I’m, also, heartbroken. I know what love is supposed to be now and with the Professor I’ll never have that. I probably won’t see Sonya or Vanya again. I don’t know who I’ll have to talk to about the day. When people say I’m boring all the time I’m bound to believe it at some point, but when I enter a room the floor does turn, the atmosphere does shift, life does change for everyone, but me. Hopefully, there’s music wherever I end up next.

 

One thought on “Autumn Roses, lovely and sad

  1. Jules Odendahl-James

    I love how you’ve connected Yelena with music in this autobiography.

    There’s so much made of her being an “object” and representing “boredom” and a kind of lazy beauty that doesn’t labor but just IS. And yet, if we think of it objectively, there was much *work* that went = women (then and now) learning how to present an image of themselves as ladies. She mentions wanting to play (the piano) and in that moment she seems to make a claim on that skill as something she wants to do for *herself*. Versus the probably many times she’s been asked (ordered?) by her parents growing up and the Professor since marriage to play for *their* pleasure. And, of course, it’s something she defers to the Professor about even in that moment. We never get to know/see her perform or take pleasure in her own music. I think that’s a metaphor for a lot of what happens in Yelena’s life. She is so concerned with propriety and that’s not an idle concern. It’s what she’s probably been trained to do/pay attention to from the time she was a child. It is hard to see the ‘trouble’ or dissatisfaction in/for the lives of gentry … that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist nor does it mean that for women especially it comes with constraints on freedom and self-determination that are worthy of empathy. Perhaps not the same kind of empathy we might feel for those whose economic space and physical experience is particularly abhorrent, but some empathy nonetheless.

    Chekhov positions Yelena a counterpoint female character to Sonya (and the memory of Vera Petrovna), especially in that moment that starts Act III when Sonya urges her to “teach” or “tend to the sick” — the vanity projects of wealthy, landed women of the age. So it’s easy to accept others’ characterizations of her that may or may not contrast with what/who she is in her own estimation. Certainly the line about being a “minor character in a play” seems laughable given how much attention she seems to gather to her BUT honestly how much of that is her soliciting attention (like the Professor solicits it) and how much is that attention that comes to her uninvited because she’s been trained to appear/work in a particular way? The fact that Sonya takes so much pleasure to learn that you are not happy is not just because she’s held a grudge about your marriage; I think it’s a relief for her to know that even when one appears to have everything, one can still be unfulfilled.

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