Holy Friendships

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The support (or lack thereof) we get from our friends and family plays a huge role in our overall health and well-being. Clergy Health’s research shows a correlation between feeling socially isolated and a greater incidence of depression. A 2011 worldwide study found that friends and family are one of the biggest influences on health; nearly half of respondents reported that their social circles had the most impact on their lifestyle choices.

There are so many types of relationships that can produce protective benefits for our mental and physical health, and I imagine that they look different for every person. But I was recently introduced to a type of friendship that I think might resonate with clergy in particular—holy friendships. In an article for Faith & Leadership, Duke Divinity School’s Greg Jones describes holy friends as those who “challenge the sins we have come to love, affirm the gifts we are afraid to claim and help us dream dreams we otherwise would not dream.”

I love that part about “challenging the sins we have come to love.” In my own life, I have plenty of friends who are on my team all the time. But the relationships that I value most are those where my women tea bookloved ones know me and my values enough to challenge me when I veer from the course. Yes, this might produce some unpleasant conversations, but ultimately, these people make me stronger. They hold me accountable, and yet they appreciate my strengths and are able to help me dream dreams I wouldn’t dare reach for otherwise.

And what about those times where we want to make a significant change in our lives—starting a new ministry, pursuing a lifelong passion, getting our health back on track? Jones encourages, “Change is hard, but when others illumine hidden potential in our lives, and offer ongoing support as we lean into that potential, we discover hope, and are empowered to embody it.”

Discovering hope through holy friendships by Greg Jones (Faith & Leadership June 2012)

Cultivating Institutions that nurture holy friendships by Greg Jones with Kelly Gilmer (Faith & Leadership August 2012)

-Katie Huffman

The Science of Self-Talk

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Young Girl Playing By HerselfBack several months ago, we did a blog post on the power of self-talk and shared some tips for how to do it “well.”  Why does self-talk work?  Is it just that having your own internal cheerleader boosts your confidence and improves your mood?  Well, preliminary research into the brain science suggests that self-talk actually affects how you view yourself and therefore can impact your feelings AND behaviors.

In October, NPR’s Morning Edition aired a story on the science of self-talk.  They described a 2013 study where women who had been diagnosed with anorexia were asked to walk through a doorway; to do so, the women turned sideways and squeezed through even when there was physically plenty of space.  These women’s brains portrayed an unrealistic representation of their actual bodies.

So, in therapy, the approach for treating these women might be to get at their internal dialogue- to remove ‘negative or pejorative terms’ from their self-talk.  According to the NPR report, “The underlying notion is that it’s not enough for a patient to lose physical weight — or gain it, as some women need to — if she doesn’t also change the way her body looks in her mind’s eye.”

Dr. Branch Coslett, a cognitive neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania, plans to study how people with poor body image get such an unrealistic impression of their physical bodies.  Preliminarily, Dr. Coslett thinks that “self-talk probably does shape the physiology of perception, given that other sensory perceptions — the intensity of pain, for example, or whether a certain taste is pleasing or foul, or even what we see — can be strongly influenced by opinions, assumptions, cultural biases and blind spots.”  So, self-talk is kind of like brain “remodeling.”

The most effective self-talk?  The kind where you think and talk about yourself in third person.  Use your own name to offer advice and to give a pep talk.  It’s all because of that phenomenon where we tend to be kinder to other people than we are to ourselves.  Click here for more tips on effective self-talk.

Click to hear or read the NPR story “Why Saying is Believing- The Science of Self-Talk.”

-Katie Huffman

Update: Pedaling to Stop Traffic

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The following post, written by Mark Andrews, is an update to the article he shared with The Connection in April, where he previewed his cross-country bike trip.  Rev. Andrews is a Spirited Life Group 3 participant and pastor at St. Luke’s UMC in Hickory.

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What a summer! On June 1, my wife, Denise, and I embarked on our journey across the country, me on my yellow, triple-crankset, Schwinn bicycle and Denise in our car, driving as my support along the way. We began at the waterfront in Edenton, North Carolina and ended at Sunset Bay State Park in Charleston, Oregon. The purpose of my expedition was mainly to take some time away from the parish, to refresh my spirit while pursuing one of my bucket-list items, but I also used this trip to raise funds and awareness regarding United Methodist Women’s efforts to stop human trafficking. While I fell short of my $40,000 goal, there has nonetheless been over $16,000 raised thus far — no small change!

Upon first getting permission for my leave, I was filled with giddy delight, but as the day for departure approached, I began feeling anxious about what I had gotten myself into. Was I physically up to the challenge? What if I failed? What would I say to my congregation? I began to worry about the challenge to which I had committed Denise and myself.

I started off the trip the way I do most projects, trying to get it all finished as quickly as possible. After the first two days of riding almost 190 miles, we arrived in Durham, North Carolina at our daughter’s home, physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to do too much. Lovingly fed and refreshed, I resumed the journey at a more moderate pace the rest of the way.

There were some more long-mileage days, but I averaged about 65 miles, or 100 kilometers, a day — fewer in the mountains of eastern Kentucky, more on the flats of the Kansas plains. But each mile brought “signs and wonders” at the beauty of the United States and the marvels of creation. Traveling on back roads and through small towns granted me a perspective on this country that one misses when driving on interstate highways. Never having traveled extensively, every day was an adventure, as I discovered Mark in mountainswhat was around each curve in the road, or exulted in the vistas just over every mountain and hill.

Denise and I learned to trust in the providence of God for safety, weather, food and lodging. My bicycle had no mechanical problems. I never even had to change a tire! We found a place to sleep every night, whether in a city park in a tent, in a church fellowship hall made available through the hospitality of its people, and a few hotels. There were a few dangerous and anxious moments in the journey, but all of them were overcome by God’s mercies.

What I enjoyed the most was the simplicity of each day. A recent book detailing Paul Howard’s epic bike ride is entitled, Eat, Sleep, Ride. That title pretty well summarizes the gracious gift this experience was for me. What seems so out of reach these days is at the same time what we need most — Sabbath, solitude, silence and simplicity. These were all characteristics of my time of renewal. I hope to incorporate what I learned this summer into my daily life and my weekly observance of Sabbath-keeping. And I’m still pedaling when I can.

-Rev. Mark Andrews

Photo taken by Denise Andrews in the mountains of Montana

NPR: How Americans Really Experience Stress

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During the month of July, as I’ve been traveling from here to there, I have caught bits and pieces of NPR’s latest series on stress.  There have been some really interesting stories, and I’m sharing a few of my favorite highlights below.

For starters, there’s a piece on the overall picture of stress in America.  NPR teamed up with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and Harvard School of Public Health to conduct a survey of 2,500 Americans.  They found that 49% of respondents had experienced a major NPR stress image_Josh Neufeldlife stress within the last year, with the most frequent type of stressor being health-related.

When broken down by demographics, there were some interesting findings.  For example, young adults were more likely to name “too many responsibilities” as their primary stressor, whereas older adults named health problems.  Looking at income, people making below $20,000 named (perhaps unsurprisingly) finances and work problems as their biggest worries.  People making over $50,000 named work problems and too many responsibilities.  The most common response to stress? Seventy percent of people reported sleeping less than usual.  For more on these statistics, click here.

Another segment focused on the connection between food and stress.  A Harvard University researcher says, “When we feel stressed we seek foods that are going to comfort us immediately, but often times those foods lead to surges and crashes in hormones and blood sugar that increase our susceptibility to new stresses.”  Other researchers are looking into foods that make us more resilient in the face of stress.  For example, foods that are nutrient rich, specifically those that are high in omega-3s, help bolster against stress.  Some good stress-busting foods include:

  • Eggs
  • Dark, leafy greens like kale or Swiss chard
  • Pumpkin seeds
  • Fish rich in omega-3 fatty acids, like sardines, salmon or canned tuna
  • Flaxseed
  • Dark chocolate

For more on the food-mind connection, click here.

One of the more upbeat and fun segments was about how Americans deal with stress.  Seventy-one percent of respondents said that connecting with friends or family is their go-to form of stress relief.  In terms of what works for people, turning to hobbies and time outdoors were reported as being most effective.  Click here for the article.  Actually, just watching this short video, put together using animations and live interviews of people talking about their favorite stress-relieving activities, sent me into a state of relaxation!

Other articles and radio pieces in the NPR series include:

-Katie Huffman

Top Image by Josh Neufeld for NPR

Clergy Health in the News

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Recent news articles in The Christian Post and The Anniston Star (Alabama) mention the Duke Clergy Health Initiative’s findings of increased depression rates among North Carolina Methodist pastors alongside other studies that show similar mental health concerns among clergy. As possible theories for these high rates of clergy depression and burnout, both articles point to the 24/7 nature of the job and pastors’ hesitancy to nurture themselves.Beach_chairs_Curacao

The solution? Experts and clergy in both articles recommend regular time off and taking vacation.  (Did you know that on average, Americans forfeit four of their allotted annual vacation days?)

-Katie Huffman

Image from Wikimedia Commons via CC

Living in Gratitude

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The following post is offered by Spirited Life Wellness Advocate, Lisa MacKenzie.

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“To be grateful is to recognize the love of God in everything He has given us- and He has given us everything.”  -Thomas Merton

One of my children recently gave me a book entitled Living-in-Gratitude_imageLiving in Gratitude.  We’re a family of readers and often talk about what we’re reading or what we think the other person might like.  But when I started reading this book I wondered if it was given as a secret message for Mom.  I kept hearing in my head “Are you grateful? Is gratitude part of your life”?  Then I would say back to the voice, “Of course I practice gratitude…..well, I think I do…..well, maybe I don’t all the time…. well how do you practice gratitude anyway?”

The book is a month-to-month guide for the practice of gratitude. The author, Angeles Arrien, a cultural anthropologist, says that “practice is meant to be active, rigorous, and dynamic.  To practice is to take action that supports change and provides a discipline for incorporating and strengthening new values, skills and character qualities.”  I was especially interested in how a practice of gratitude might affect health in particular, since health and well-being are pretty important to most of us.  Our first thought may not be about gratitude as a basic health practice.

Even though it’s July, I started at the beginning of the book with January.  I worried that this was all going to be very shallow like “in January be thankful for a new year—a fresh start.”  Then I realized that the message from my daughter might be: give up on the cynicism for just a bit and read the book.  Right off the bat the author quotes Hopi Elder Thomas Banyacya who reminds us to vision and in visioning one must stop, consider, change and correct.

Arriens details this practice, which offers a way to align our vision with our choices.  This makes sense.  I was already feeling a tiny bit grateful for a new tool.  Unfolding in this January chapter are also the concepts of blessings, learnings, mercies and protections:  what they mean and the importance of paying attention to them.   As we identify blessings, learnings, mercies, and protections we have additional tools to develop a framework of intentionality, which as the author states, “helps us enter frequently and joyfully into the life changing state of being which is gratitude.”

Further into the book is another important question that addresses all areas of health and wellness.  Dr. William Stewart, author of Deep Medicine and the medical director of the Institute for Health and Healing at the California Pacific Medical Center, suggests that we ask this question:  Are the choices I am making health enhancing or health negating?  And he’s talking about all realms of health from the spiritual to the financial. Dr. Stewart and many others have demonstrated that health improves or declines according to the choices we make.

Arriens points out that it is well documented that the daily practice of gratitude increases health and well being.  Genuine expressions of gratitude reduce stress, develop positive attitudes and performance, strengthen the immune system and increase our experience of joy and happiness.

This book encourages gratitude through reflection, questioning, action and practice.  It recognizes the importance of research and intellectualism but then goes to the deeper meaning found only in the heart. I’m only up to March but I’m beginning to think that Living in Gratitude might just change the way I think about wellness.

(Book cover image from KPCRadio.com)

Lisa-MacKenzie-90x120-Lisa MacKenzie

Get in touch… with massage therapy

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As part of our final farewell to Group 2 pastors, the Spirited Life team offered chair massages during their concluding workshops. Throughout that entire day, pastors were able to sign up for ten-minute chair massages provided by local massage therapists. While a few were hesitant, many absolutely enjoyed it! Some even signed up for a second (or third!) massage as time permitted.

It was so gratifying to watch as pastors allowed themselves to enjoy such a gift. Some pastors were even inspired to discuss the origins of their tensions, and many left the experience considering the possibility of setting up future massage appointments.

While massages are typically wellness massage-285590_640perceived as an indulgence, they are actually centuries old in existence and provide a variety of benefits to a person’s mental and physical health. For instance, people use massages to relieve pain, rehabilitate sports injuries, reduce stress, increase relaxation AND reduce anxiety and depression.

It is true that massages can be expensive. However, there are cost-effective ways that you can occasionally treat yourself to this amazing form of self-care. For example:

  • Seek out Massage Schools in your area. To eliminate the guesswork of finding a reputable massage therapist in your area, the North Carolina Board of Massage & Bodywork Therapy has a list of schools that provide licensed instruction for massage therapy. Some of the schools offer discounted rates because the students are in the process of being licensed. A list of those schools can be found here.
  • Contact your local Community College. Another good resource is your local community college as they occasionally offer massage classes for individuals, independent from a degree program. Taking a massage class through a community college’s continuing education department is a great way to pick up some basic pointers. I mention this option because it’s one that can be enjoyed by you and your significant other.
  • You can locate a massage therapist in your area through this locator.  When you call for an appointment, ask about special pricing packages.  Some places offer deals where when you buy a certain number of sessions up front, you get a session free.  

If you have never had a massage before – treat yourself! If you’ve enjoyed a massage in the past – maybe it’s time for another!

-Angela MacDonald

Image from pixabay.com via CC

Pastoral Health and Sexuality, Part III

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 This is the third in a special series on Sexual Health by guest bloggers Dr. Bill Bixler and Greg Hill, LPC (see their bio below the article).  Click to read the first  and second installments.

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In the first post we looked at the importance of sex and sexuality for pastors and the dangers inherent in minimizing that part of their lives.  The second post explained how pastors can become vulnerable to the misuse of their sexuality, acting out via cybersex activities or by having extramarital relationships.

Pornography-viewing and other sexual acting out often serve a dual function of relieving stress and offering escape into a fantasy world. Such sexual acting out indicates a pastor’s life is precariously out of balance. Here are some tips for keeping your life in better balance:

  • Boundary-setting: One of the greatest stressors for pastors stems from their inability to set clear boundaries. What are some ways to set clear boundaries? Take time off. Construct a metaphorical fence around your day off. Let it be known that that time is vital for replenishment. Barring a dire church emergency, defer non-essential requests from parishioners. This can be done with grace and humor and will decrease burn-out symptoms.  Delegating responsibilities is another way to set a boundary. Avoid micro-managing and succumbing to the belief that the pastor needs to do it all. Learning to say “no” is an important aspect of boundary setting. For example, set time-limits on phone conversations and meetings.  Pastors often have a need to please everyone, which is impossible.
  • Self-care: Engage in self-care, including physical exercise, adequate sleep, proper diet. In addition, self-care includes time for pleasurable activities, time with friends, developing a hobby. Seek out a spiritual mentor with whom you can be transparent. sunset-13444_640Take time for your prayer and devotional life.
  • Nurturing marriage: Healthy marriages require quality time together. Keep a date night sacred. Take a weekend away. Talk to your spouse, especially about your feelings—fears, doubts, frustrations. Your partner is there, not to fix everything for you, but to provide care and support. Mutual emotional vulnerability can significantly enhance sexual intimacy. Talk with each other about your sexual needs and desires. Be playful; don’t get stuck in the same sexual routine.

This is not an exhaustive list of ideas but provides some seed-thoughts on rebalancing one’s life.  However, many pastors reading the above will likely consider the writers to be naïve or even delusional. The objection would be something like, “We don’t have time to engage in these activities. Church work is too demanding.” But this objection takes as a given, what we feel needs to be reexamined. It is incumbent upon the pastor to shape his/her ministry in healthy ways to reduce stress and the potential for sexual acting-out.

To succumb to the thinking that the above is impossible places pastors in untenable positions. To survive and thrive in ministry requires more than dedication to one’s pastoral vocation. It requires attending to the basics, balancing life, and caring for self as one cares for others. In so doing, the risk of needing to escape into sexual acting-out is significantly diminished.

Two final thoughts.

Firstly, for those who find they have been unable to stop pornography-viewing or other acting-out behavior, counseling with a professional trained to deal with these types of issues can be very helpful. These problems are treatable in a therapy context which assures both acceptance and confidentiality.

Secondly, the pastors who come to us for help are usually male, despite the fact that female pastors also struggle with sexual issues. We are aware that these posts may be unintentionally geared more toward male pastors. We would love to hear from female pastors regarding gender-specific differences related to the topics we have discussed.

-Bill Bixler and Greg Hill

Greg Hill     Bill Bixler

Dr. Bill Bixler (above right), a clinical psychologist, and Greg Hill (above left), licensed professional counselor, have both received clinical and theological training and are co-founders of the Center for Emotional and Sexual Health in Cary. They are certified sex addiction therapists and specialize in working with:  couples coping with infidelity; individuals caught in sex and porn addiction; teenagers struggling with porn, sexting, etc.; and spouses and families traumatized by the addict’s behavior. They are also available to speak to church groups on sex and sexuality. They can be contacted via phone: (919) 466-0770  or email:  dr.william.bixler@gmail.com  and  greghlpc@gmail.com.

Image by Pixabay user PublicDomainPictures

Pastoral Health and Sexuality, Part II

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This is the second in a special series on Sexual Health by guest bloggers Dr. Bill Bixler and Greg Hill, LPC (see their bio below the article).  Click here to read the first installment.

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Pastor John survived another Sunday, but just barely. Still awake after midnight, he stares at the  bedroom ceiling while a host of stressful thoughts bear down on him—parishioners’ criticism of his sermon, worry about the budget shortfall, power struggles with the assistant pastor. He needs some escape, some respite from the pressure. Almost without thinking John slips out of bed without waking his wife, tiptoes to his study, and proceeds to view pornography on his laptop until 3 a.m.

This scenario is, unfortunately, not rare.  Various surveys place the number of pastors viewing pornography between 30 and 54 percent in a given year.  Also, these surveys do not include additional acting-out behaviors, such as participating in sexual chat rooms, hiring prostitutes and escorts, and affairs with church members or staff.  If we included those statistics the above percentages undoubtedly would be higher.

Cybersex (the term used to describe all sexual activities on the internet) has three Computer_keyboardcomponents, the three A’s, which make it so compelling. It is:

  • Accessible– the click of a mouse or touch on an IPAD
  • Affordable– most pornography on the internet is free
  • Anonymous– it can be viewed in complete privacy

Many pastors exhaust their physical, spiritual, and emotional resources taking care of their flock. If stress and anxiety are not managed well and healthy relationships are neglected, pornography becomes a source of escape and emotional self-medication. The fantasy world of internet pornography becomes a substitute for real relationships and intimacy.

In addition, pastors who do not take the time to nurture their own marriages and friendships are at risk of cybersex activity. Marriage therapist John Gottman describes two types of couples: those who turn toward each other and those who turn away. Pastors who turn away may turn toward pornography or someone outside the marital relationship. An absence of genuine intimacy can lead to the false intimacy of extra-marital relationships or fantasy relationships via pornography.

As in the case of Pastor John from our introductory paragraph, cybersex can provide instant, but temporary, escape from the stresses of church work. In addition, some pastors seek to numb deeper emotional wounds:  emotional or physical abuse from childhood, memories of a perpetually critical father or mother, constant fears of not being a good enough minister, spouse, or parent.

Various psychological strategies are employed to allow pastors to continue their behavior unimpeded by self-restraint:

  • Compartmentalizing occurs when that part of the pastor’s life which is unacceptable to him/her is intentionally split off from the rest of life.
  • Minimizing is a type of rationalization, such as, “it’s not that bad because it’s only pictures, not actual sex with someone.”
  • Denial does not even recognize that there is a problem—“I don’t do it that often so it’s no big deal.”

But it is a big deal. Pornography-viewing and other cybersex activities generate intense shame and guilt, create emotional and sexual alienation in marriage, open clergy to accusations of hypocrisy, place ministerial vocations at risk, and severely weaken the spiritual vitality of the pastor.

In the next post we will examine how pastors can significantly reduce vulnerability to sexual acting-out, affirm healthy sexuality, and provide guidance to those who have tried many times to stop but have been unable.

-Bill Bixler and Greg Hill

Greg Hill     Bill Bixler

Dr. Bill Bixler (above right), a clinical psychologist, and Greg Hill (above left), licensed professional counselor, have both received clinical and theological training and are co-founders of the Center for Emotional and Sexual Health in Cary. They are certified sex addiction therapists and specialize in working with:  couples coping with infidelity; individuals caught in sex and porn addiction; teenagers struggling with porn, sexting, etc.; and spouses and families traumatized by the addict’s behavior. They are also available to speak to church groups on sex and sexuality. They can be contacted via phone: (919) 466-0770  or email:  dr.william.bixler@gmail.com  and  greghlpc@gmail.com.

Image from wikipedia

Pastoral Health and Sexuality, Part I

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This is the first in a special series on Sexual Health by guest bloggers Dr. Bill Bixler and Greg Hill, LPC (see their bio below the article).

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Gnosticism is a theological cat with more than nine lives. Its most recent resuscitators include Elaine Pagels, the brilliant Nag Hammadi scholar, and Dan Brown, author of the best-selling book, The Da Vinci Code.  Gnosticism continues to live in a church context whenever a pastor places spiritual formation on center stage and relegates physical life and health to the homilectical and practical shadows.

One aspect of physical life which many pastors struggle with is sexuality, so they place it in the deepest, darkest part of those shadows.stone-tower_Pixabay user steinchenPastors who ignore their own sexual health are not only flirting with Gnosticism, but are neglecting a vital and God-given part of their identities.  Affirming the goodness of sexuality should include more than an annual sermon on Adam and Eve becoming “one flesh.” Spirited Life encourages pastors to move toward a healthier lifestyle, which includes proper nutrition, exercise, and timely physical and emotional health checkups. In addition, a healthy lifestyle needs to include a healthy sexual life.

In the Scriptures sex is not viewed as peripheral but as an essential part of marital relationship. For example, a battle-ready army was essential to Israel as it was occupying the Promised Land. Despite the necessity of a military fighting force at the ready, certain males were exempt from military service as follows, “If a man and a woman have been married less than one year, he must not be sent off to war . . . He must be allowed to stay home for a year and be happy with his wife.” (Deut. 25:4) Thus, for Israel, even national security did not trump the need to safeguard sexual and relationship nurturing during that vital first year of marriage.

So while the Bible shines a bright light on sex as good and right, it also is unflinching in its narratives of sex gone bad.  There are almost too many examples to illustrate this point, from the tragicomedy of Onan and his spilled seed to the horror of the rape of Tamar.

Whether describing the Song of Solomon’s beauty of sex, or the David and Bathsheba ugliness, the Scriptures address the issue of sex and sexuality head on. Sadly, many pastors do not.  By not doing so they leave themselves and many of their church members adrift in the struggle to live out their sexuality Christianly.

Pastors often focus their entire energies on spiritual concerns and church business to the neglect of their physical and sexual well-being. This unconscious homage to the anti-physical tenets of Gnosticism often carries a terrible price. Sex ignored can become master rather than servant. When that happens, sexual acting-out by the pastor is bound to occur and with it the tragedies all of us are familiar with.

In the next two posts we will be looking at how a pastor becomes vulnerable to sexual acting-out, whether with another person or via pornography. We’ll look at the factors that create that vulnerability and the various functions served by that acting-out. Lastly, we will examine what steps can be taken to develop healthy sexual attitudes and behavior, including making lifestyle changes which will greatly diminish the potential for sexually self-destructive behavior.

-Bill Bixler and Greg Hill

Greg Hill

Bill Bixler

 

 

 

 

 Dr. Bill Bixler (above right), a clinical psychologist, and Greg Hill (above left), licensed professional counselor, have both received clinical and theological training and are co-founders of the Center for Emotional and Sexual Health in Cary. They are certified sex addiction therapists and specialize in working with:  couples coping with infidelity; individuals caught in sex and porn addiction; teenagers struggling with porn, sexting, etc.; and spouses and families traumatized by the addict’s behavior. They are also available to speak to church groups on sex and sexuality. They can be contacted via phone: (919) 466-0770  or email:  dr.william.bixler@gmail.com  and  greghlpc@gmail.com

 Image by Pixabay user steinchen