Tag Archives: clergy spouses & families

Time and Values

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time flies“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.” ― Michael Altshuler
“You gotta make it a priority to make your priorities a priority.” ― Richie Norton

Talking about time management can quickly result in a stream of cliché quotes or quips that we all know.  We hear them and feel fully capable of putting them into action tomorrow or some time later.  But it can be really interesting and helpful to think about what we value in our life and how that may or may not be reflected in our daily activities.

Typically, our problem with most anything related to time management, organization, or following a schedule does not have much to do with lack of resources. Instead, it’s usually a matter of figuring out *how* to do something that will result in a healthy behavior.

Outlined below is an exercise that may help you think about your daily routines in a different way.

Step 1: Think back to a recent “typical” workday.  Once you identify that day, create a daily log using this Daily Schedule & Activities Log.  Be specific and write details of how each hour of the day was spent.

Step 2: Consider your personal values.  What are those traits, qualities, or beliefs that you find most important and worthwhile?  Use this Values Wordle to help you select the three words that reflect your top values.  (Don’t agonize over this part).

Step 3: With your values in mind, go back to your daily log and make notes on how your time spent through a typical day does or does not align with your top values.

Now, looking at your values and daily log, reflect on these questions.

  • Where was your time spent?
  • How are your values reflected in your day’s activities?
  • How does your sample day fit into your idea of being well and living a healthy life?

As Alan Lakein says, “Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now.”  To me, this quote is saying that the future holds ‘my values lived’ and if they are truly my values, I’ll figure out how those things can be worked into my life or how I can shift some of the other ways I spend my time.

-Katie Huffman, Angela MacDonald, and Amanda Wallace

Image by Flickr user Robert Couse-Baker, via CC

Holy Friendships

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The support (or lack thereof) we get from our friends and family plays a huge role in our overall health and well-being. Clergy Health’s research shows a correlation between feeling socially isolated and a greater incidence of depression. A 2011 worldwide study found that friends and family are one of the biggest influences on health; nearly half of respondents reported that their social circles had the most impact on their lifestyle choices.

There are so many types of relationships that can produce protective benefits for our mental and physical health, and I imagine that they look different for every person. But I was recently introduced to a type of friendship that I think might resonate with clergy in particular—holy friendships. In an article for Faith & Leadership, Duke Divinity School’s Greg Jones describes holy friends as those who “challenge the sins we have come to love, affirm the gifts we are afraid to claim and help us dream dreams we otherwise would not dream.”

I love that part about “challenging the sins we have come to love.” In my own life, I have plenty of friends who are on my team all the time. But the relationships that I value most are those where my women tea bookloved ones know me and my values enough to challenge me when I veer from the course. Yes, this might produce some unpleasant conversations, but ultimately, these people make me stronger. They hold me accountable, and yet they appreciate my strengths and are able to help me dream dreams I wouldn’t dare reach for otherwise.

And what about those times where we want to make a significant change in our lives—starting a new ministry, pursuing a lifelong passion, getting our health back on track? Jones encourages, “Change is hard, but when others illumine hidden potential in our lives, and offer ongoing support as we lean into that potential, we discover hope, and are empowered to embody it.”

Discovering hope through holy friendships by Greg Jones (Faith & Leadership June 2012)

Cultivating Institutions that nurture holy friendships by Greg Jones with Kelly Gilmer (Faith & Leadership August 2012)

-Katie Huffman

Breast Cancer Awareness

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pink ribbonAll the NFL teams are wearing pink! That’s because October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Sponsored by the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc, this month-long annual campaign aims to raise awareness about the disease.

One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer during their lifetime. This no doubt means that someone you know has been or will be affected by the disease. While October may be the designated month for breast cancer awareness, you can get involved any time of the year!

  1. Create a plan: The best way to fight breast cancer is for women to have a plan to detect the disease early (when breast cancer is found early, the 5-year survival rate is 98%).   The NBCF recommends monthly breast self-exams, annual clinical breast exams and mammograms, and healthy lifestyle habits. They have even created an app that helps you keep track of everything! Encourage the women in your life to create their plan today.
  2. Learn more: The NBCF has created an online guide, Beyond the Shock, a resource for women and their families to learn more about the disease. This site includes some inspiring questions, question and answer forums, and explanatory videos, among other resources.
  3. Donate: Donate to NBCF or hold a fundraiser to raise money. Proceeds go toward providing mammograms for women in need.

Susan G. Komen is another well-known organization that focuses on breast cancer through education, research, and resources.

-Katie Huffman

Get in touch… with massage therapy

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As part of our final farewell to Group 2 pastors, the Spirited Life team offered chair massages during their concluding workshops. Throughout that entire day, pastors were able to sign up for ten-minute chair massages provided by local massage therapists. While a few were hesitant, many absolutely enjoyed it! Some even signed up for a second (or third!) massage as time permitted.

It was so gratifying to watch as pastors allowed themselves to enjoy such a gift. Some pastors were even inspired to discuss the origins of their tensions, and many left the experience considering the possibility of setting up future massage appointments.

While massages are typically wellness massage-285590_640perceived as an indulgence, they are actually centuries old in existence and provide a variety of benefits to a person’s mental and physical health. For instance, people use massages to relieve pain, rehabilitate sports injuries, reduce stress, increase relaxation AND reduce anxiety and depression.

It is true that massages can be expensive. However, there are cost-effective ways that you can occasionally treat yourself to this amazing form of self-care. For example:

  • Seek out Massage Schools in your area. To eliminate the guesswork of finding a reputable massage therapist in your area, the North Carolina Board of Massage & Bodywork Therapy has a list of schools that provide licensed instruction for massage therapy. Some of the schools offer discounted rates because the students are in the process of being licensed. A list of those schools can be found here.
  • Contact your local Community College. Another good resource is your local community college as they occasionally offer massage classes for individuals, independent from a degree program. Taking a massage class through a community college’s continuing education department is a great way to pick up some basic pointers. I mention this option because it’s one that can be enjoyed by you and your significant other.
  • You can locate a massage therapist in your area through this locator.  When you call for an appointment, ask about special pricing packages.  Some places offer deals where when you buy a certain number of sessions up front, you get a session free.  

If you have never had a massage before – treat yourself! If you’ve enjoyed a massage in the past – maybe it’s time for another!

-Angela MacDonald

Image from pixabay.com via CC

To Love A Place

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“Love makes you see a place differently…

…just as you hold differently an object that belongs to someone you love. If you know one landscape well, you will look at all other landscapes differently. And if you learn to love one place, sometimes you can also learn to love another.” 
― Anne Michaels

sweet lily

Three years ago this summer my family packed up our modest hill-farm in NH and piled everything we owned into the largest moving van Budget would let us drive ourselves.  It took us 18 hours, down the New Jersey Turnpike, navigating through Washington, DC, but we made it–a little worse for the wear, but here.  We were that familiar mix of nervous and excited and exhausted that accompanies a major life change.  When we had purchased our farm several years earlier, my husband and I never could have predicted that we would land on a hot sidewalk in Durham towing the detritus of our life, and our reluctant daughter. But God’s call can be funny like that.

You see, we were happy in NH, but something there started to unfold that neither my husband nor I could have predicted: we found a church that fit us, in which we could use our gifts. Particularly, one in which my husband could use his gifts.  And it became clear that there was more for him to do.  More, that would lead us far from our hillside to that hot Durham sidewalk, looking up at a mustard yellow bungalow that we were to make a home in for the duration of his Divinity School studies.

We came because we were called.  That much was clear.  We would do what we set out to do–Dave would get his degree–and then we would go home again.  We were sad to leave our home and family, but hopeful that God would make a way for us in our new resting place.  What we were not expecting was to find Home here, to fall in love with our new place.

bull cityBut fall in love we did.  With this gritty city that is remaking itself in an abundance of delicious food, funky music, and great baseball. With the trails along the Eno River, only a short drive from our Durham neighborhood.  With the Farmer’s Market and its abundance of produce all year long.  With the mountains and beaches that can be reached in a few hours.  With our neighbors, coworkers and classmates that we formed friendships with. Most of all, with our little church community that drew near to us in what would prove to be a difficult season.

enoThe three years have flown by in a flurry of late nights writing papers, swims in the Eno, stimulating lectures, breakfasts at Monuts, jobs to find, multiplication tables to learn, walks in Duke Gardens, a family crisis to navigate, play-dates to have, deaths to grieve, hymns to sing, births to celebrate, chickens to raise, flowers to arrange…

And suddenly, it is time to go.  My husband has accepted a call to pastor a church in Pennsylvania. The largest truck that Budget will let us drive ourselves will pull away from the mustard yellow bungalow next Saturday, with all our earthly belongings packed inside. I was nervous to come.  I am so sad to go.  The friendships that have been woven, the familiar paths we have worn through this city, all the places to love…  We will miss these and so much more.

Following God’s path can take unexpected twists and turns, as any Methodist pastor knows all too well.  There are seasons of abundance and there are seasons of need. Sometimes those seasons overlap and collide in unexpected ways.  And sometimes we are given the grace to love a place in a way that changes us. When that happens, it can be so, so hard to take the next step, but when we have been changed by love, we can be assured that our hearts will be all the more opened to what lies ahead. Because, “if you learn to love one place, sometimes you can also learn to love another.”

View More: http://urbansouthphoto.pass.us/swanson-family

–Caren Swanson

Images by the author.  Lower image by Urban South Photo, used with permission.

Also by Caren Swanson: The Healing Power of Nostalgia

Caregiver Support

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Last week, the Alzheimer’s Association announced new research that indicates Alzheimer’s disease affects more women than men. The reason is two-fold: more women suffer from the disease themselves, and more women serve as caregivers to loved ones with the disease. With more than 5 million Americans already diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and new diagnoses predicted to triple by 2050, it is becoming increasingly important to raise awareness about the disease and to provide support to the families and caregivers of Holding Hands with Elderly PatientAlzheimer’s patients.

Regardless of your gender, or whether you are caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or you know someone who is, here are 10 tips for family caregivers (from Caregiver Action Network):

  • Seek support from other caregivers.  You are not alone!  Click here to find a support group near you.
  • Take care of your own health so that you can be strong enough to take care of your loved one.
  • Accept (and request) offers of help; suggest specific things people can do to help you.
  • Learn how to communicate effectively with doctors.
  • Take respite breaks often — care-giving is hard work!
  • Watch out for signs of depression and don’t delay in getting professional help when you need it.
  • Be open to new technologies that can help you care for your loved one.
  • Organize medical information so that it’s up to date and easy to find.
  • Make sure legal and financial documents are in order.
  • Give yourself credit for doing the best you can in one of the toughest jobs there is!

Many more resources for caregivers are available through the Alzheimer’s Association.

-Katie Huffman

When Our Parents Need Care

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Holding Hands with Elderly PatientOne of life’s milestones is the role reversal of caring for aging parents.  While for any of us, this has its joys and its challenges, it can be particularly challenging for clergy who are already in a position of caring for the members of their congregations, and often appointed to churches far from family members.  One of the ways to be better prepared for this season is to know what to expect and to have good communication between the generations about what expectations are.  Jane Brody recently tackled this topic on Well, the NY Times wellness blog, looking at the complex web of emotions that can accompany this experience, and the various ways caring for our aging parents can impact everyone involved.  From the article:

Maud Purcell, a psychotherapist and executive director of the Life Solution Center of Darien in Connecticut, offers a laundry list of emotions that adult children are likely to experience when parents age and their health declines. Among them:

* Fear, when you realize that the roles have reversed and that you may now have to care for your parents

* Grief, as a once-robust parent’s ability to function independently declines abruptly or little by little

* Anger, frustration and impatience, when a parent’s needs interfere with your life

* Guilt, in response to the above feelings or because you are unable to spend enough time with your parent because of distance or other life demands

Ms. Purcell suggests that you accept these feelings as normal and not fight them. Rather, recognize that you cannot change what your parents are going through beyond providing help and support to the best of your ability.

She wrote: “Don’t take on more than you can handle. Consider your commitments to your work and to other family members. Overextending yourself will leave you stressed and will put a strain on your other relationships. Worst of all, you may end up taking your frustration out on your parent, causing you intense guilt.”

While caring for aging parents can place a very real strain on the adult children, it can also be a joy.  It can be an honor to be the caregiver for someone who spent their life caring for you.  And for those who chose to invite their parents to live with them, inter-generational households can be a real blessing.

What have your experiences been caring for your parents or being cared for by your children?

—Caren Swanson

Eleven years

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Today is my eleventh wedding anniversary.

cuddleI thought about sharing a photo from my wedding but decided against it.  You’ll all tease me about how young we look!  And we were young, but we had one thing going for us–we KNEW we were young, and that we had a lot of growing up to do still.  We knew that the only way our marriage would survive was if we grew together instead of apart, and if we sought out the wisdom of wiser, more “seasoned” couples who’d been down the bumpy road of marriage before us.  One of our commitments from the beginning has been to put hard work into our relationship, and not let it sail on autopilot.  We haven’t always succeeded, but the work we have put into it has paid off.

An article from the New York Times “Well” blog speaks to the work that is required to make a marriage last: “The passion ignited by a new love inevitably cools and must mature into the caring, compassion and companionship that can sustain a long-lasting relationship.” The article goes on to outline familiar but essential suggestions about keeping married love alive. One such step is “’the importance of appreciation’: count your blessings and resist taking a spouse for granted. Routinely remind yourself and your partner of what you appreciate about the person and the marriage.”  It sounds so simple, yet I know for me, it can be hard to remember to actually focus on what I appreciate about Dave.  These small appreciations add up, however:

Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky reports that happily married couples average five positive verbal and emotional expressions toward one another for every negative expression, but “very unhappy couples display ratios of less than one to one.”

To help get your relationship on a happier track, the psychologist suggests keeping a diary of positive and negative events that occur between you and your partner, and striving to increase the ratio of positive to negative.

She suggests asking yourself each morning, “What can I do for five minutes today to make my partner’s life better?” The simplest acts, like sharing an amusing event, smiling, or being playful, can enhance marital happiness.

Any marriage takes work, but there are special challenges when one or both partners in a marriage are clergy. The expectations of your congregation, the need to be available at inconsistent hours, needing to work on Sundays, the pressure to have a “perfect” family… These can add up and place a special burden on clergy families. And yet the building blocks of a healthy marriage are the same: mutual respect, articulated appreciation, shared values and experiences.  Whatever challenges you face in your marriage today, may you be blessed “eleven times eleven” in your connection with your spouse!

singingSinging together at our 10th anniversary party.

–Caren Swanson

Stoic Christianity

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In our feature piece in Christian Century, our research director, Rae Jean Proeschold-Bell, said that if she could magically accomplish one cultural change, she would “shift the way that congregants think about their pastor.” No matter the responsibilities a pastor is entrusted with, he or she is still a human being “with flaws and graces…a person who has a life that needs fulfillment.”

This is a change many pastors desperately desire. As one pastor said, “I don’t think our congregations know how unhealthy our vocation can be. They seem to think we are super-men and -women…I keep telling them our vocation is hazardous to our health. They just don’t understand that.”

While pastors feel this pressure uniquely, it’s by no means foreign to most people. Alan Jacobs, professor of literature at Baylor University, recently reflected on the stoic values popular in the American Midwest and South, and he recounted a time when the tacit code that one suffers in silence became unmistakably clear.

When my wife was seriously ill some time ago, people from our church contacted me to ask if we needed anything. When I replied that it was nice of people to offer meals but that Teri’s chief problem was simple loneliness — no one to talk to, as she lay in her sickbed, except a very busy husband — people were, not to put too fine a point on it, shocked. I had said something unexpectedly shameful. One person even commiserated with Teri: how difficult it must have been for her to have a husband who so openly admitted that she had personal needs in her illness.

1024px-Michael_Ancher_001Let me highlight that this was not the experience of a pastor, but of a lay person, who tried to be vulnerable with his congregation and was shut down. Expressing weakness in shameful not only among pastors, but among many segments of our culture in which class and status and power are incongruent with dependency and loneliness and desire. As Alanis Morisette sings, no matter what pain we’re experiencing, we prefer to stick one hand in our pockets while explaining, “what it all comes down to my friends, Is that everything’s just fine fine fine.” Nothing to see here, folks.

In a follow-up piece, Jacobs concludes that that the Christian scriptures encourage us “to accept suffering but not to pretend that we don’t hurt or that we are somehow above the pain. Rather, we are to seek out our brothers and sisters for sympathy and support.”

Parishioners may want a pastor who is superhuman, but perhaps what they need is a pastor who is utterly human, someone who bravely opens up space for it to be okay to be weak and have needs. Pastors may not be the only ones ready to scream under the suffocating silence of stoicism.

—Tommy Grimm

(Painting by Michael Ancher, courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)

The Healing Power of Nostalgia

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An article in the New York Times this week highlights the positive impacts that nostalgia can have on a person psychologically.  It turns out that historically, nostalgia was seen in a negative light–“living in the past” and looking back with rose-colored glasses.  New research, however, shows that fondly recalling things that have happened can enrich our lives, as long as we don’t fall into the trap of comparing the present to the past.  The article explains,

Nostalgia has been shown to counteract loneliness, boredom and anxiety. It makes people more generous to strangers and more tolerant of outsiders. Couples feel closer and look happier when they’re sharing nostalgic memories. On cold days, or in cold rooms, people use nostalgia to literally feel warmer… Nostalgia does have its painful side — it’s a bittersweet emotion — but the net effect is to make life seem more meaningful and death less frightening. When people speak wistfully of the past, they typically become more optimistic and inspired about the future.

The article was brought to my attention by a pastor who shared it on our facebook page, saying, “This is good news for all of us who itinerate.” In this season of unpacking boxes and inevitably pausing to think about what has been left behind in a move, it is encouraging to know that these thoughts can be helpful–can anchor us amid life’s unpredictability.  One nostalgia researcher, Dr. Constantine Sedikides, says, “Nostalgia made me feel that my life had roots and continuity. It made me feel good about myself and my relationships. It provided a texture to my life and gave me strength to move forward.” Another researcher, Dr. Erica Hepper, says, “Nostalgia helps us deal with transitions.”

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If you’ve moved recently or are facing another transition, what helps you feel rooted?  What do you take with you move after move, and what gets left behind?  If you have a story about nostalgia, we’d love to hear from you in the comments.  And for all those who have moved, we pray for smooth new beginnings.

–Caren Swanson

Image by flickr user CliffMueller via Creative Commons

Also by Caren Swanson: To Love a Place