The Science of Self-Talk

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Young Girl Playing By HerselfBack several months ago, we did a blog post on the power of self-talk and shared some tips for how to do it “well.”  Why does self-talk work?  Is it just that having your own internal cheerleader boosts your confidence and improves your mood?  Well, preliminary research into the brain science suggests that self-talk actually affects how you view yourself and therefore can impact your feelings AND behaviors.

In October, NPR’s Morning Edition aired a story on the science of self-talk.  They described a 2013 study where women who had been diagnosed with anorexia were asked to walk through a doorway; to do so, the women turned sideways and squeezed through even when there was physically plenty of space.  These women’s brains portrayed an unrealistic representation of their actual bodies.

So, in therapy, the approach for treating these women might be to get at their internal dialogue- to remove ‘negative or pejorative terms’ from their self-talk.  According to the NPR report, “The underlying notion is that it’s not enough for a patient to lose physical weight — or gain it, as some women need to — if she doesn’t also change the way her body looks in her mind’s eye.”

Dr. Branch Coslett, a cognitive neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania, plans to study how people with poor body image get such an unrealistic impression of their physical bodies.  Preliminarily, Dr. Coslett thinks that “self-talk probably does shape the physiology of perception, given that other sensory perceptions — the intensity of pain, for example, or whether a certain taste is pleasing or foul, or even what we see — can be strongly influenced by opinions, assumptions, cultural biases and blind spots.”  So, self-talk is kind of like brain “remodeling.”

The most effective self-talk?  The kind where you think and talk about yourself in third person.  Use your own name to offer advice and to give a pep talk.  It’s all because of that phenomenon where we tend to be kinder to other people than we are to ourselves.  Click here for more tips on effective self-talk.

Click to hear or read the NPR story “Why Saying is Believing- The Science of Self-Talk.”

-Katie Huffman

Second-hand Stress

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In a ryoga-mojo-150x150ecent blog post, Jan Bruce, founder and CEO of meQuilibrium, introduced me to the idea of second-hand stress.  A distant cousin of second-hand smoke, which we’ve long known to be hazardous to our health, second-hand stress is a recognized condition that indicates you can actually “catch” stress from other people.  Who knew that stress was contagious?

Well, YOU probably knew — pastors are among the most empathetic people out there, a trait which allows you to connect with your parishioners, coworkers, friends, and family and support them in so many ways. However, Ms. Bruce suggests that “being attuned to others’ emotions means that you’re potentially leaving yourself wide open to their frantic, messy, grousing, all-around unpleasant feelings, too.”

Humans are biologically wired to mirror each others’ emotions. Stress management expert Joe Robinson says, “Even if we’re not physically imitating what we see, mirror neurons still fire off a simulated version of the activity in your head as if you actually did it. It’s all designed to help us learn, understand, empathize, and connect with what others are doing and feeling.”

Okay, so your kid slams the door on her way in after school, stressed studentthrows her book bag against the wall and starts pacing back and forth in your kitchen, all the while muttering (or yelling) about the injustices of middle school, teachers, fickle friends, and life in general. You, once a teenager yourself and now a caring mother/father, notice the hair on the back of your neck prickling, your heart rate speeding up, and your palms getting sweaty.  You’ve picked up a case of stress from your daughter!

meQ recommends building “an emotional buffer zone, [which] allows you the space to feel, acknowledge, and name your reactions as they are happening.” This will protect you from the harmful effects of your own stress response and help you channel your energy into a positive reaction.

Here are meQ’s 3 tips for buffering against this second-hand stress (some will work better than others in certain situations):

  1. Trap it, Map it, Zap it: Be aware of your body and emotions. Figure out where these emotions are coming from and what thoughts are behind them. Then, decide if these thoughts are based on reality, or are they just your own interpretation of the situation?
  2. Relaxation Techniques: “The more you practice simple relaxation techniques, the faster and more powerfully they come to your aid when you need them.” Check out these quick-fix relaxation techniques from meQ.
  3. Boundaries: Know what your boundaries are and make sure to stick to them. Are there topics you need to avoid with certain people? Are there times of day that should be off-limits for serious discussions with your spouse? Here are some other examples of personal boundaries.

To read the entire meQuilibrium post on second-hand stress, click here.  How do you protect yourself from it?

-Katie Huffman

First image courtesy of meQ; second image courtesy of Flickr user CollegeDegrees360 via CC.

Caregiver Support

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Last week, the Alzheimer’s Association announced new research that indicates Alzheimer’s disease affects more women than men. The reason is two-fold: more women suffer from the disease themselves, and more women serve as caregivers to loved ones with the disease. With more than 5 million Americans already diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and new diagnoses predicted to triple by 2050, it is becoming increasingly important to raise awareness about the disease and to provide support to the families and caregivers of Holding Hands with Elderly PatientAlzheimer’s patients.

Regardless of your gender, or whether you are caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or you know someone who is, here are 10 tips for family caregivers (from Caregiver Action Network):

  • Seek support from other caregivers.  You are not alone!  Click here to find a support group near you.
  • Take care of your own health so that you can be strong enough to take care of your loved one.
  • Accept (and request) offers of help; suggest specific things people can do to help you.
  • Learn how to communicate effectively with doctors.
  • Take respite breaks often — care-giving is hard work!
  • Watch out for signs of depression and don’t delay in getting professional help when you need it.
  • Be open to new technologies that can help you care for your loved one.
  • Organize medical information so that it’s up to date and easy to find.
  • Make sure legal and financial documents are in order.
  • Give yourself credit for doing the best you can in one of the toughest jobs there is!

Many more resources for caregivers are available through the Alzheimer’s Association.

-Katie Huffman

Welcome to the Human Race

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ParkerJPalmer-informal6001Parker Palmer is a Quaker teacher, writer, and world-renowned speaker and activist. He has received ten honorary doctorates in addition to his other academic accomplishments. He is the founding partner of the Center for Courage & Renewal which, according to his wikipedia page, “oversees the “Courage to Teach” program for K-12 educators across the country and parallel programs for people in other professions, including medicine, law, ministry and philanthropy.” By any account, Palmer is successful, leading a fulfilling life and reaching many people with his ministry. And yet, at the height of his success, Palmer, when in his mid-forties, faced for the first time a debilitating depression.

let-your-life-speakIn his book, Let Your Life Speak he wrote about his experience. “Depression is the ultimate state of disconnection, not just between people but between one’s mind and one’s feelings. To be reminded of that disconnection only deepened my despair” [p. 62]. This disconnection was experienced as friends unhelpfully tried to cheer him up, encouraging him to get outside and smell the flowers. He writes, “And that, of course, leaves a depressed person even more depressed, because while you know intellectually that it’s sunny out and that the flowers are lovely and fragrant, you can’t really feel any of that in your body, which is dead in a sensory way. And so you’re left more depressed by this “good advice” to get out and enjoy the day.”

As someone who has wrestled with depression myself, I can attest to the difficulty of being with friends and loved ones who want to offer advice.  While they mean well, and I would never want to disparage them for the courage to try to walk with me in my suffering, a depressed person really doesn’t want to hear easy answers. As the story of Job reminds us, sitting in silence with the person who is suffering is an immense gift. Job 2:11-13 recounts,

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

In real life this can be so hard to do. When someone we care about is in pain, we naturally want to do all we can to help ease their suffering. But as Palmer goes on to write, “One of the hardest things we must do sometimes is to be present to another person’s pain without trying to “fix” it, to simply stand respectfully at the edge of that person’s mystery and misery” [p. 63].

Time passed and Palmer found treatment that helped him, though he continued to struggle over the years.  After a while he felt compelled to write publicly about his experience, and he was met with a surprising result–people REALLY responded to his experience with depression.  In a recent interview with Palmer, now in his seventies, he shares what he learned about being vulnerable in this way:

I’ve written nine books… but the one piece that I’ve written that has gotten the most response by far is a chapter in Let Your Life Speak about my experience with depression.  It’s my acknowledgement of weakness, it’s my capacity to be vulnerable which has made me more friends than whatever capacity I have to be smart and strong…

When you start understanding wholeness not as perfection but as embracing everything you are, then you become able to talk about it [weakness] and to invite other people to share those same pieces of their own lives.

For many people, Palmer included, writing and speaking about depression has been part of the healing process.  It can be so hard to take that first step and open our mouths to admit we are struggling, but so often that experience is liberating.  I know for me, when I have the courage to share with a trusted friend about my story, I open up the possibility of receiving new support, deepening that relationship, and allowing the other person to be honest about her own suffering.

Near the end of this short video interview, Palmer reminds the viewer of the Leonard Cohen song that says:

Forget your perfect offeringSunlight Shining Through Forest

Ring the bells that still can ring

There is a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in.

 

Thank you Mr. Palmer, for your honesty and vulnerability, and for reminding us all that we are not alone in our suffering.  In fact, suffering is simply part of being a member of the human race.

Other Parker Palmer Resources:

  • I first heard Parker Palmer talk about his experience with depression in an interview on the NPR show, “On Being” with Krista Tippet.  It is a wonderful episode that I highly recommend!  Listen here >>
  • The 4-minute video interview with him talking about writing publicly about depression is excellent.  Click here to watch the short video.
  • His book, Let Your Life Speak, is excellent!  Well worth purchasing or checking out of your local library.
  • The website of his organization, the Center for Courage & Renewal, is pretty fascinating.

Caren Swanson

To do, or not to do….a To-Do List

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to do list--redSo here we are a couple of months into 2014, and my wife and I are still discussing our goals, our vision and our plans for the year. We have talked about finding more ways to keep ourselves and each other on track.

As parents who both work full time, the To-Do-List is an important tool for getting things done in our home. If you ask my wife, she might say that the Honey-Do-List is the only way things get done in our home. Sometimes The List is an actual list written on a notepad or on the dry erase board, or even a post it note. Other times, it involves her leaving me a voicemail message, sending a text or an email, or just telling me.

Without task or to-do lists, it is easy to become overwhelmed by the amount of things you have to do, and it is also far more likely that you will forget things. Many of us are familiar with the phrase, “There’s an app for that.”  Recently Forbes magazine released its list of The 9 Best To-Do List Apps For 2014. When it comes to managing, scheduling, prioritizing, sharing, and completing tasks on a To-Do-List, taking advantage of these digital apps can help you organize and juggle multiple to-do-lists, meet tight deadlines, and make better use of your valuable time. By being creative with your To-Do-List, you can provide yourself a healthy framework for accountability, affirmation, improved focus, motivation, organization, prioritizing, time keeping, and increased productivity or efficiency.

One example, Wunderlist, is a free app that I have really grown to like. Wunderlist syncs across iPhone, iPad, Mac, Android, Windows and the Web to keep you on top of your to-do’s from just about any device. It has several options and features that allow users to customize their experience, maximizing the app’s usefulness:

  • Share your list with a colleague, a friend, your spouse
  • Include a note, a photo, or web content
  • Add recurrences to capture your daily, weekly and monthly tasks
  • Break big tasks into smaller achievable goals through sub-tasks
  • Print your list with just one click
  • Assign To-Do’s, start conversations, or attach spreadsheets, PDFs, videos and sound files to a task (requires an upgrade to Wunderlist Pro, $4.99/month)

Developing a daily routine is one of the most powerful ways to become better at keeping and completing To-Do-Lists. You might find some inspiration from these seven famous entrepreneurs and their routines. When you flip your perspective by reflecting on what you actually got done at the end of the day, you’re looking at real, concrete evidence of productivity rather than thinking about all the should’ve, could’ve, would’ves. At that point, the To-Do-List, becomes the Done List.

What is your relationship with To-Do-Lists? Share what works for you in the comments below.

-Dwight Tucker

Image courtesy of Straighten Your Paths.com via Creative Commons

Snow day

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With snow in the forecast for much of Central and Eastern North Carolina today, this is a timely reflection from Wellness Advocate, Lisa MacKenzie.

Last week I visited my daughter, her husband, and my 5-month-old granddaughter in Pennsylvania.  It was bitterly cold and snowy, and I realized that I had been missing the crisp mid-winter chill and crunchy snow and the hush that comes with January storms in the northeast.

Looking out the kitchen window one morning, holding baby Guin, I watched cardinals in the cardinal in snowfront hedge against the pure white of fresh snow and thought about the 2 months of winter ahead and the storms that would inevitably come along with the disruption and inconvenience of slippery roads, school closings and frozen pipes. But in all the chaos of storms comes the blessing of solitude and stillness.  I thought that morning that I had been given this gift of space and solitude many times but often didn’t acknowledge the gift—maybe it was the warmth and cuddliness of a baby and the smell of wood smoke along with the softness of the gentle light at dawn that became prayer in the quiet kitchen. That morning I didn’t miss the gift.

I read a recent post about snow days on a blog called the Busted Halo by Christina Gebel. She writes:
What I realized, or perhaps simply remembered, is that snow is a reminder to take pause, with others or even just with ourselves. The presence of snow can be a great spiritual exercise for us, inviting us to quiet down and be with ourselves.
If you want to accept the invitation to pause and go deeper, you might consider a few of these suggestions:
•    Read a good book. Though it might sound cliché, how often have you “been meaning to” read something but never gotten around to it? Maybe there’s a spiritual read you’ve been meaning to pick up. Try starting the book on a snow day and then reading five pages each night as part of your nightly prayer.
•    Have fun. There is no rule that only kids can have fun in the snow. When was the last time you went sledding? Went for a walk in the woods during winter? Went ice-skating? Built a snowman?  A snow day is the time.
•    Take a good look at snow. Snow is symbolic of so much of the spiritual beauty in our lives. Why do you think God made snow the way it is? Would it convey the same feelings if it were a different color? Different texture? Each snowflake is unique, reflecting the diversity of God’s creation. It’s made of water, which can be both soothing and powerful, reflecting the humility and omnipotence of God. Take a glove-full of fresh snow and meditate on the beauty and paradox of God’s creation.
•    Be still. Be quiet. Snow has the ability to quiet a city, but it can also quiet our inner self. Go outside and stand in front of a winterscape. Or stay inside and feel the warmth and the absence of sounds outdoors. Repeat, to yourself, the line from the popular hymn, “For You, O Lord, my soul in stillness waits.”

So now I am home in Apex and it seems to me it’s time for a snow day… maybe you think so too.

-Lisa MacKenzie

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Image by Flickr user rkramer62 via Creative Commons

Do You Need A New Rhythm? ~ Part III

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This is the third in a special series on Sabbath by guest blogger Rev. Dianne Lawhorn. Please read the first installment here and the second installment here. We offer these reflections in the hope that over the next weeks you will feel invited to deepen your own Sabbath practice. Check back next Monday to read the rest of Dianne’s thoughts on this important topic.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

What we are getting at here is the idea of embracing a new rhythm for life.  Rhythms are a normal and natural part of our everyday lives.  There is a rhythm of the day dissolving into the night.  There is a rhythm of growth and dormancy in our landscape through the seasons.  There is a tidal rhythm in the ebb and flow of the sea.  There is a bodily rhythm in our waking and sleeping.  At the heart of who we are is rhythm, as our hearts beat and then rest between each beat.  This rhythm of activity and rest is something that is so very essential for us.

Sacred_Rhythms_largeAuthor Ruth Haley Barton, writes about this in her book, Sacred Rhythms.  She talks about discovering that some people arrange their lives to see sunsets.  It becomes a part of their daily rhythm.  She tells the story about embracing this practice for herself.  She described rushing around, busy with errands one day, and realizing that she was going to be late for the sunset.  Hearing her beach chair calling her name, she dropped all of the goods that she intended to buy and rushed to meet her sunset, to experience holy rest at last.

I simply love this idea of embracing as a spiritual practice watching the sun go down every night.  I love the idea of scheduling your activities so that you don’t miss out on one of earth’s most beautiful rhythms.  I’m sure for Ruth Haley Barton, her time in the sunset is time that she sets apart to sit in the presence of God.  I’m sure it provides a relaxing and peaceful end to her busy day.  This is a rhythm that she has embraced to include holy rest– not every month, or every week, but every day of her life.  It’s a beautiful idea, isn’t it?

For most of us, it sounds great, but it isn’t something that we feel is very practical.  But why can’t this kind of a “stop” be a reality for us, maybe not every day, but just one day a week?  Are we really too busy for that?  Have we lost this rhythm of life, the balance between work and rest forever?

What we are being invited into through Sabbath-Rest is a new rhythm.  It’s a rhythm that God designed for our benefit.  It’s a rhythm where we take a long, loving look at our Creator and leave the work up to God.  It’s a rhythm where we stop, we become still, we notice, we celebrate our God, who is the source of all blessings. Only when we stop, will we really enter in to God’s rest.  Only when we stop will we experience the recovery of mind, body, and spirit that we need.  So, the question we are left with is- how do we do it, how do we make this kind of holy rest a reality in our lives?

Dianne Lawhorn

DianneDianne is currently the Minister of Spiritual Formation for the Lydia Group which is a resource for spiritual wholeness offering formational teaching, retreat leadership, and spiritual direction.

When Our Parents Need Care

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Holding Hands with Elderly PatientOne of life’s milestones is the role reversal of caring for aging parents.  While for any of us, this has its joys and its challenges, it can be particularly challenging for clergy who are already in a position of caring for the members of their congregations, and often appointed to churches far from family members.  One of the ways to be better prepared for this season is to know what to expect and to have good communication between the generations about what expectations are.  Jane Brody recently tackled this topic on Well, the NY Times wellness blog, looking at the complex web of emotions that can accompany this experience, and the various ways caring for our aging parents can impact everyone involved.  From the article:

Maud Purcell, a psychotherapist and executive director of the Life Solution Center of Darien in Connecticut, offers a laundry list of emotions that adult children are likely to experience when parents age and their health declines. Among them:

* Fear, when you realize that the roles have reversed and that you may now have to care for your parents

* Grief, as a once-robust parent’s ability to function independently declines abruptly or little by little

* Anger, frustration and impatience, when a parent’s needs interfere with your life

* Guilt, in response to the above feelings or because you are unable to spend enough time with your parent because of distance or other life demands

Ms. Purcell suggests that you accept these feelings as normal and not fight them. Rather, recognize that you cannot change what your parents are going through beyond providing help and support to the best of your ability.

She wrote: “Don’t take on more than you can handle. Consider your commitments to your work and to other family members. Overextending yourself will leave you stressed and will put a strain on your other relationships. Worst of all, you may end up taking your frustration out on your parent, causing you intense guilt.”

While caring for aging parents can place a very real strain on the adult children, it can also be a joy.  It can be an honor to be the caregiver for someone who spent their life caring for you.  And for those who chose to invite their parents to live with them, inter-generational households can be a real blessing.

What have your experiences been caring for your parents or being cared for by your children?

Caren Swanson

The Benefits of Dog Ownership

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frannyEveryone knows that dogs are fun to have around, but do you know that they are also good for your mind and body?  When my family adopted Franny from the shelter last winter, our exercise levels all improved.  Not only did we walk more frequently but we started walking longer, and having more fun doing it.  There’s also something undeniably sweet about coming home after a long day to a creature that just loves you so much she can’t stop wiggling from nose to tail!

These good outcomes of dog ownership are not merely anecdotal.  Research has shown that having a dog can help reduce the stress hormone cortisol while boosting good hormones such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine.  These changes in brain chemistry can have very real impacts on our mood during the day, can alter what cravings we experience, and can even impact how well we sleep at night.  Research also shows the ways that owning a dog increases exercise.  A study out of Michigan State University shows that “60% of dog owners that take their pets for regular walks meet federal criteria for regular exercise. Nearly 1 in 2 dog walkers exercise an average of 30 minutes a day at least five days a week. Only about 1 in 3 of people that don’t own dogs get that much regular exercise.”  According to an article on Positive Psychology News, “owning a dog is also associated with improved blood pressure and cardiovascular health, lower cholesterol and triglycerides as well as decreased anxiety.”  Along with these myriad benefits, dog owners just tend to live longer.

Of course, my family wasn’t thinking of all these things when we welcomed Franny into our family last winter.  We just wanted a dog to love and be loved by.  If you are looking for the same, check out your local SPCA chapter or petfinder.com.  You won’t regret it!

meQuilibrium: An Innovative Stress-Management Program

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The Duke Clergy Health initiative has been talking to pastors about their wellness for nearly six years now. One theme that comes up regularly in these conversations is stress. We know that pastors juggle many responsibilities and expectations and are often asked to be present with people during their most trying moments. But what IS stress? Is it a feeling? Is it measurable? We know that stress is not experienced in the same way by every person: the circumstances that trigger the stress response in you are likely different from those that cause stress in those around you.

Earlier this year, we added a new tool for understanding and managing stress to our Spirited Life wellness program. It’s an interactive coaching system called meQuilibrium. This program caught our attention because of its highly-customizable, holistic, insightful approach and practical tools. Over the past few months, many clergy in Spirited Life have had the opportunity to take part, and we’re pleased to have negotiated a special rate that will enable any friend of Spirited Life to use the program at the highly reduced rate of only $10/year.

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meQuilibrium starts with a comprehensive meQ assessment designed to evaluate your individual personality type, thinking patterns, habits, and lifestyle, and pinpoint the areas that create the most stress for you.

Based on your responses, you’ll instantly receive your stress profile – an in-depth analysis of not only where your stress is most pronounced, but how your unique thinking and lifestyle habits led you there.  The meQ program will then give you a personalized prescription of skills that will help you change your stress response.

To learn more about meQuilibrium and to sign up at a reduced rate, visit: www.mequilibrium.com/duke-friends.

Caren Swanson