These two weeks have served as a concentrated learning experience in every aspect. I’ve learned so much about Girls for Gender Equity, how to work an 8-hour day in an office, all about the girls in the Moxie program, how the subways work, how to feed myself off of $10 a day, and how not to cry when a pigeon flies into my face.

I sat to think about the most meaningful thing I’ve learned in my time so far, and nothing rang stronger than what I’ve learned about myself. In my two weeks, I’ve experienced a surge in confidence in my abilities and autonomy through having an increased sense of freedom and independence.

College is a coming of age experience where you feel freedom for the first time. You’re supposed to be able to explore your passions, make connections for your career, and spend hours lost in conversation with new people. I’ve done that to an extent, but being a rower certainly makes my life different from that of the typical college student. When you have to wake up at 6 am and give several hours of your day to one thing, it’s hard to feel fully free and in control of your life. My experience in New York has proven to be my first experience of actual independence and freedom that allows me to start to discover myself.

For the first time in my college career, I felt that I’ve been able to fully commit to something. I have a crazy passion for my fields of study (Global Health, Psychology, and Gender, Sexuality & Feminist Studies). After a 10 minute conversation with me you can almost guess what I’m studying. However, I rarely feel that I have the time to give my studies what they deserve. I’ll do only the necessary readings for classes, and probably only skim them for the hopes of one night sleeping six hours. I’ll nod off in class not because I’m not interested, but because I stretch myself so thin. I’ve learned I don’t know how to not do too much. When there’s so many interesting opportunities at Duke, I can never seen to put sleep first.

It feels like a constant game of catch up and not being able to show my level of commitment through my work. There is also a confidence gap at play that definitely needs to be shaken. In every academic space I enter at Duke, I automatically assume that everyone is more intelligent than I am. I got into Duke through athletics and came from such a competitive high school that I wouldn’t have been able to get in otherwise. No matter how well I do at Duke and stack up against the other students, this feeling pervades. Through psychology and GSF classes, I’ve learned that this insecurity likely plays to my own detriment. Getting into the Moxie program was a huge shock and thrill for me, knowing I had been selected among plenty of other students for nothing else but my passion, intelligence, and ability to connect with people.

While rowing has definitely been a significant stressor in my Duke experience, I’d be crazy not to acknowledge what it has given me. Stretching myself thin, working all day, and barely sleeping are all realities that have become normal. I’m used to a day that starts before 6 am, in which I won’t have the time to return to my room until late at night. It’s go-go-go all the time. Being a committed Duke student is like a full-time job, and so is rowing. I often feel as though I’m balancing a dual life and doing a disservice to both. For the first time, I’m all in.

I’ve learned that I’m actually a very high functioning human being. On my first week, my supervisor assigned me my first project and gave me a few days to complete it. I had nothing to do after work, which is a very novel concept to me. Thrilled from my newfound freedom, I decided I’d complete the project in my apartment to have done the next day. This is definitely a “try-hard” move and not exactly necessary, but I was just so excited to finally have the time to complete what’s asked of me. In meeting with my supervisor, I asked what I could do better, to which she responded that I’d been doing great and that she was really impressed with my efficiency.

Not only have I been able to fully commit myself to GGE, I’ve been fully able to commit to myself. When you’re fighting to maximize sleep and live as efficiently as possible, you have to pick and choose what’s necessary. You don’t get to spend time lost in your own thoughts, reflecting on your goals, or going exploring. In these past two weeks, I’ve had the opportunity to do more introspection than ever before. I’m journaling every day, writing poetry, and engaging in the most thoughtful discussion with other Moxies, friends in New York, and even my mom.

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(this is my journal and my desk! aren’t they cute??)

When I was growing up, I just wanted to be liked and to be loved. But, don’t we all? I just wanted somebody–anybody–to make me feel special and appreciated. I was looking for someone to complete me because I always felt I was missing something. It was happiness. I was accepting the bare minimum of respect and appreciation from some many friends, family members, and romantic partners with the slightest hope that I could be happy. Unfortunately, like Warsan Shire said, you cannot make homes out of people. But, I was like a happy fiend, going to each and every source just to get a little dose of elation. While I was chasing happiness, I was overdosing on toxicity through continuous cycles of disrespect, manipulation, and exploitation from people I thought would make me happy. All they did was take advantage of me or my situation. Eventually, I learned that my happiness must come from within to truly have a lasting, warming impact on my soul and my life.

Now, I’m at point where I understand that I deserve more than the bare minimum of respect and appreciation. I understand that I am worthy of a safe space. But I have yet to master the art of self advocacy. I find it so much easier to fight for others than myself. It is so easy for me to fall into sunken place of fake smiles and hidden anger to avoid conflict. I feel like people avoid conflict because it takes much more emotional and intellectual labor to get to a solution. But avoiding conflict does very little to preserve the illusion of peace because it just creates uneasy tensions. Yet, I’m still in the mindset of accepting a bare minimum of peace to keep happy environment at home, in the dorm, or in other spaces. By doing so, I sacrifice my own peace of mind and my connection in those spaces. To avoid conflict, I  often disconnect from and reduce myself within the space.

However, one of my goals for this summer is to be present to deeply engage with the people and potential around me. Because of that goal, I am challenging myself to make space for me. It is taking time to learn that I belong in the spaces I occupy.  Navigating NYC has been difficult, but I can not retreat within myself if I want to get anywhere. I am here for a summer of service, but I cannot forget about self care. I must make space for emotional,mental, and nutritional health. I started with nutritional health. I had to branch out on my own to find a grocery store that was right for me. Finding my grocery store was the first of many small steps to connect and find my place in the city and this program. I am here for a summer of service, which cannot be provided unless I am present. And to be present, I must take the risks of putting myself out there. I must take chances and opportunities to engage with the people around me. I have to stop erasing myself to prevent conflict. My next step is unpacking my physical luggage into my room and emotional baggage into a journal, so I can find comfort in the space I occupy here.

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[elitism]

the selectivity of the elite; especially: snobbery

I’ve always been adamant about not mistaking formal education for intelligence or capability.

I thought I was so woke for thinking and saying this around Duke students who pat themselves on the back for their passion and commitment to exceed academically. I thought I was great for pointing out the elitism behind certain comments or opinions.

But.

This last week, I came face-to-face with my elitist biases.

During a conversation with one of the organizers at NDWA, I found myself surprised to hear that she had earned a law degree before coming to the US. She talked about how USA stood for “U Start Again.” The pursuit for an American Dream required an erasure of one’s old life, one’s old connections, one’s old education and expertise.

In my head, I knew this. I knew that a plethora of licenses simply did not translate to American onces. I had heard of stories about my friend’s parent, who had to basically repeat medical school after moving from India to the US. Still I assumed that this woman, simply because she was a nanny, wasn’t educated. I didn’t even realize it, but I was under the impression that many of the nannies, housekeepers, and caretakers for the elderly who face issues like wage theft and whose labor is exploited would be people with, at most, a high school education.

Then, there was a small curiosity within me. I wondered why, after all this time, she hadn’t completed a law degree in the US.

This curiosity stayed at the back of my mind.

A couple days later, I talked to another organizer. I learned that she had earned a college degree. Now this was not even an issue about what licenses and degrees would and would not transfer in an American context. This woman did everything right according to the dominant narrative for hard work and education. Yet, she was not given the dignity and respect that I imagined American college graduates would get.

So I wondered: why did this woman go into nannying when she had a college degree with human resources and administration? Why not work in an office?

And here, yet another assumption that I held. I thought that women who went into domestic work did so because there was no other choice given their background and circumstances. But these women, as they shared their stories, did not express any angst about not finding a better paying better valued job. They did not even mention wanting to pursue another career.

They love what they do. They love the children for which they care. They have also had wonderful experiences and relationships with the parents.

Their problem, then, was that people did not value the work of domestic workers. Their problem was that domestic work was not deemed a real and legitimate profession.

This was a revelation.

Just.

I thought that I would never be accused of elitism. After all, I was so fiercely against elitism when I noticed it, because I thought of all the circumstances that situate people to have more or less resources and accessibility to “high quality” education.

Little did I know that I had so much more room for improvement.

So here I go! To opening myself up to the idea that I’m not as woke as I imagine myself to be!

I always knew that I lacked a strong historical perspective because my high school history class ended after WWI.  We never covered the social movements of the 60s or the many political restructurings throughout the century or even WWII! I sort of laughed it off not realizing quite how shallow my understanding was.

When I got to Duke, I jumped head first into pre-med classes, immersing myself in biology, physics and chemistry (on my!), never having time in my schedule for the humanities. It’s very easy for me to get sucked up into the world of science and forget that there are major problems outside of the purity of my protein sample in lab. I aim to address that this summer.

Last semester I took a sociology class called “Drugs in the US,” which was the first time that anyone told me that the War on Drugs was racially motivated.  I knew that there were sentencing biases and huge over-representations of minorities within prisons, but it never occurred to me that someone could have conjured up such a veiled attack on minorities in order to retain White power on a widespread systemic level.  I thought that this revelation would open my eyes and suddenly I would see the biases that surround me everywhere, however each day of this program I am exceedingly aware of how much I am still oblivious to the natural power dynamics of our society.

Just this past week, our group focused on how non-profits can gain power and influence by aligning themselves with the government so that they can have a constant, reliable source of money. However, the government typically likes to fund organizations that maintain the current hierarchy and power structure that got elected officials their current power and influence. Recently, I have started to see how this systemic distribution of power can be used to subjugate women particularly when it comes to women’s reproductive health.

One of my first days working at Choices, I accompanied an 18-year-old, 11-week pregnant woman from her sonogram, to her counseling with a social worker, through the surgical abortion procedure that she chose, and to her recovery. I held her hand for an hour in the recovery room as she wept over the loss of the fetus. While we had discussed and anticipated the emotional impact, nothing could have prepared either of us for her visceral response. She knew that she could not support a child and that terminating the pregnancy was the right decision for her, but that didn’t eliminate her pain. I have never felt more useful or connected to another woman than during that raw emotional outpouring. While I feel moral qualms about the experience, I am proud that we provided her with safe, effective treatment that enabled her to control her life moving forward. Further, her strength during a time of anguish humbled and inspired me.

Yet, after reflecting on this experience, I couldn’t help but see it as an individual suffering from unfortunate circumstances. She isn’t the only individual.  Systemic oppression of women and stigmatization of reproductive control has diminished women’s power, relegating it to an unspoken act that requires utmost confidentiality. I am still very much grappling with what I see as the goal for women’s health, but I’m learning more and more every day. Baby steps forward!

On Sunday, my Moxie group had our first reflection dinner at Ada’s house to discuss how our first week went working at our internships and living in the city. While we were on the topic of homelessness in New York, Shannan brought up something called “world building.” Now, I’ll be honest. I was nodding my head, but through Shannan’s intelligent words and intellectual thoughts, I didn’t understand a thing she was talking about. 

However, as the conversation continued, she made it very clear that in order to create effective change, we cannot work within the systems that marginalize the communities we are advocating for. We cannot properly fight for LGBTQ rights if we are trying to maneuver our way around a heteronormative society. We cannot empower women if we are doing so in ways that allow the patriarchy to exist. We cannot promote racial equality if we support systems that perpetuate white supremacy and continue to place white citizens on a pedestal. With that said, “world building” is the process in which we think of ways that will allow us to gradually dismantle these systems to create a better world for everyone. Rather than focusing on the individual, “tangible” successes like raising money for a charity or giving a homeless person $5, we need to ask ourselves “What would the world look like if it was a place where everyone could thrive despite their race, ethnicity, class, gender, sexuality, etc?” What kind of world do we want to live in? This really resonated with me because after a week of working at Girls For Gender Equity, I can clearly see that this organization is an eminent reflection of “world building.”

GGE has an after school program called Urban Leaders Academy and I spent the past week observing the classes and interacting with the kids who attend. To say I was amazed is an understatement. ULA provides photography, cooking, film, step, and many other different classes that students don’t normally get to take during the regular school day. Students also have the opportunity to take a class where they discuss teen dating, consent, and violence that I did not think so deeply about until college. Additionally, the students have a “purpose” class where the instructor allows them to define what their purpose and position is in this society rather than the white man determining that for them. After sitting in on these classes, I knew GGE wasn’t lying when they said that their mission is to create platforms that will allow young people of color to live self determined lives. I noticed that ULA isn’t some ordinary after school program where kids play games and kill time until their parents come to pick them up. Rather, ULA is a program that shapes future leaders who will create the power they need, that society often strips them of, to create change within their communities and beyond.

In ULA’s film class, the students had the opportunity to film an anti-bullying movie and the day I came to join, they were about to record the last scene which encompassed a protest. The teacher told the students they could make posters with slogans that supported gun safety and suicide prevention, but besides this instruction, the students had full control over what they wanted on their signs. They made beautiful signs that said “Never Give Up Hope” with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number on it and many others that I would have never thought about creating at 11 years old.

Take a look at them yourself:

As you can see, GGE is giving their students a voice. Confident ones at that. GGE provides their students with a space to speak on reality and are showing them that a hierarchy should not stop them from calling out racism, sexism, or any form of oppression when they see it. In only the span of a week, GGE and Moxie has taught me that it is not about helping the individual. Creating a better world is not entirely about tutoring students so that they get better grades and can go to college. One step towards a potential utopia would be providing our youth with the tools they need to speak against against barriers, on their own, thereby creating the urge to destroy them at such an early age. Sure. We can have all the juicy, red apples we want. But, if one bad apple can throw off the harvest and poison whole population, how can a few charitable successes fix an entire world?

What was the moment when you knew you loved yourself? When did you figure out your dreams had become bigger and better? How did self-love become something that was desirable rather than selfish? Who was the first person to ever tell you that you could be strong too? I personally think that New York is a vast sea of differences. By this, I mean different people, cultures, cars, sidewalks, animals, personalities, and various other things. My whole life I’ve been searching for the woman I want to be, striving for the dreams that seem so far yet so close, hoping that one day looks on the street won’t mean as much to me. I think that throughout this time in New York I have learned some things about myself like confidence. I felt that for the longest time I was confident, but that mostly stems from my comfort in Durham/with my family and friends. This confidence allowed me to wear those scandalous shorts because thick thighs save lives. It allowed me to wear my arms out because regardless they’re beautiful.

I realized that my epicenter of comfort was shaken when I moved here. Between the loud noises and shoves on the sidewalk somehow my confidence had seeped into the pavement. Somehow I had let myself become meek, scared, afraid. I realized that I was afraid. Afraid that I had somehow become too fat for the public. Afraid that somehow I was no longer comfortable in my own skin and no matter how much I exercised, no matter how much I save pictures for self-confidence until I believed it there would never be an effect. Within my comfort, I have friends and family that reaffirmed my beauty, but in the most humble way, I need to be able to do that myself. I need to love myself, and when I start doing that then just maybe these shoulders, these streets, and everything here will be mine.

Then I proceeded to ask myself, “Bianca how do you think New York can help guide you to self-love?” I don’t think I got an answer, but I think maybe the people can help. I think maybe focusing on my goals and listening to the women who I work with could guide my path well.

At Lower East Side Girls Club, so many personalities, colors, outfits, styles, and just overall wonderful people are everywhere.  These women have so much confidence. They are strong, beautiful, vibrant women. I feel they radiate what I want to radiate. I think that self-discovery is very much coming to terms with who you are, and I think seeing women who are comfortable with themselves in the confines of the city can help.

The main reason I wrote this post wasn’t for myself, but for the women I see every day on the street. I don’t know who, if anyone, will read my words, but I want you to know that you’re beautiful. Whether you believe it at this moment, I know that this city has some beautiful people that can make you feel less than, but more than anything look within yourself to find love. I think that throughout my week here I have suffered a lot with loving myself, seeing myself as beautiful IN COMPARISON, but sis, we don’t have to compare ourselves to anyone.

You were made to be you and I was made to be me.

New York may have shaken me a little in the beginning, but this is where I will get some answers to my questions. This is where I will look within to discover who I am. This is where I will try to work harder on this whole confidence thing. 

We arrived in New York City on May 27, 2018. May 28, 2018 we attended orientation, making ourselves familiar with the city, grocery shopping, and a walking tour filled the day. The next day I began work at Brooklyn Defender Services at 9 am. This meant I needed to wake up at 8 am to be at work on time. If I’m being honest, I can’t remember the last time I woke up at 8 am for class. So far, throughout my college career, I have made sure my classes were later in the day because I know myself.

When I was told I needed to be at work at 9 am, I cringed. My parents had already explained to me that the “real world” did not operate on the same schedule that I did, and I knew this. I knew that there would be adjustments I needed to make, but I didn’t think they would be this drastic.

Leading up to leaving for New York City, I was staying awake until 3 or 4 am for no reason. Whether it was watching Netflix or talking to friends abroad with hours of time difference, I was awake. By the time Monday night rolled around, I don’t think I stayed awake past 11 pm because of how tired I was. The ironic thing was that I had not even started the 9am-5pm yet.

Fast forward to the end of the first full week, and I was exhausted. 9am-5pm I was at Brooklyn Defender Services sitting in on court cases, accompanying lawyers to site visits, transcribing records, creating summer events brochures for clients, and many more things. Words can’t describe how excited and thankful I am to be working at this organization, already. The people I have interacted with have left an impact on me, whether they recognize this or not. The clients I have interacted with have ignited a spark in me that I didn’t know was there.

5pm – until, I was either interacting with other Moxie girls discussing how our days were or attending structured events with our site coordinator, such as a screening of the RBG movie or a self-defense class. Regardless of what I was doing, my brain was constantly being challenged to think in new ways. Specifically with our readings and discussion, I felt like my way of thinking was being challenged in good ways.

Going into this program, I knew that I wouldn’t work 9am-5pm and call it a day. I knew that I would be challenged outside of work, but I didn’t know it would be 24/7. I imagine reading this you are thinking this has to be one of the worst things ever, and that I am in New York City and should be enjoying what the city has to offer. The thing is I don’t mind attending work and then exploring new concepts and ideas.

During our reflection dinner, we discussed the idea that humans tend to want to turn off or ignore the needs of others, if they are not in constant contact with them. This past week has challenged me to not feel the need to be in contact with someone or something in order to want to change the way our society functions. The constant questioning of everything is something I am grateful for because it is something that needs to take place. As humans, we need to push beyond what we are comfortable with and question the way our society is set up. This is not to say that nothing in our society is good, but there is always room for improvement. We should surround ourselves with people who challenge us in order to see real changes being made. I already know the next seven weeks are going to be some of the most intellectually stimulating weeks I have experienced, and I am up to the challenge.