I’ve been staring at my computer screen for an hour now and I really don’t know what to write about. Maybe I’m stuck? Just some regular writer’s block? Or maybe I am still trying to ignore the things that haven’t escaped my mind in the past couple of weeks.

Lately, life has felt like a complete roller coaster. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I’ve finally settled into NYC. I finished planning GGE’s End of the Year Celebration, completed student interviews, and I no longer feel like a lost puppy. While the Moxie program feels a bit more familiar now, home has felt very chaotic and has been consuming my thoughts recently. Between thinking about my parents, friends, and struggling loved ones, it is as if I haven’t been home for years the way new problems continue to pop up. You know what I mean? It’s like issues, even small ones, arise while you are trying to acclimate yourself to a new environment, so suddenly you feel worried, far, confused, and anxious. A city that is really only a 4-hour drive weirdly feels like it is a lifetime away from home. Normally, however, I can keep these thoughts to myself. Sometimes it is easier for me to bottle up these emotions and act like everything is okay. I don’t know why, but it isn’t usually my first instinct to talk to people when I am going through something. I’d just rather deal with it myself and move on. But, Ada and Shannan wouldn’t let that slide.

Last week, Ada and Shannan had the Moxies do a “circle process.” To start off, we all shared something that made us laugh that week. Then, we shared something that was difficult for us at our workplaces. Finally, we all shared something that we were struggling with, whether it was an internal conflict or involved problems at home. That was when the energy in the room took a complete turn around. It became a very intimate, honest atmosphere. As my peers shared their stories, we shed tears, shared hugs, and I felt inclined to share as well. 

As soon as I did, my chest didn’t feel as heavy. I felt supported and my mind felt a bit more clear. Ultimately, this activity showed me that it’s okay to ask for help when needed. If you have worries, share them. If you have questions, ask them.

Truth is, I have so many questions. 4 weeks in and I’ve learned so much, but I continue to wonder about my abilities, GGE, and our enrichment activities.

Now that I’ve completed my first couple of projects, I will now begin planning activities for GGE during Dignity in Schools’ National Week of Action. Essentially, GGE seeks a collective vision of what they would like to see come out of the week across its programs, Sisters in Strength, Youth Women’s Advisory Council, and Urban Leaders Academy. However, I am more nervous for this project than I was for the others. What has GGE already done in the past that they wouldn’t want to repeat this year? Which activities worked? Which didn’t? Will my plans and agendas be enough to conduct productive meetings? Who am I, compared to my coworkers who have been working at GGE for years, to plan an entire week that stands to end school pushout?

One thing we are fighting for is to invest more money in hiring counselors and social workers who will act as a support system and will provide positive discipline tactics when resolving conflict with students. We do not want to have metal detectors and flocks of NYPD police officers who criminalize students in spaces where they should feel comfortable to learn. Today, I actually attended Dignity in Schools’ monthly meeting and I enjoyed talking to other students and organizations about campaigning, what policing looks like in schools, and how we can take the right steps towards dismantling that kind of authority. But, this is an issue that is deeply, systemically embedded in this country. This problem is widely supported by those who are in power. What activities can we plan that will actually make a difference in deconstructing the racial barriers and government action that work against youth of color and LGBTQ/TGNC students? Obviously, change doesn’t happen over night. But, it is easy to feel discouraged at times. 

It’s important to push forward though and to do that, I will keep asking questions. I will try to clarify my confusions and share my worries whether it is about work, my responsibilities, or even family. Sometimes it does feel like I have asked too much. However, if you don’t seek advice, you never know. What is learning if we do not explore our curiosities and refuse to ask the questions that linger in our minds?