Don’t Erase, Make Space.

When I was growing up, I just wanted to be liked and to be loved. But, don’t we all? I just wanted somebody–anybody–to make me feel special and appreciated. I was looking for someone to complete me because I always felt I was missing something. It was happiness. I was accepting the bare minimum of respect and appreciation from some many friends, family members, and romantic partners with the slightest hope that I could be happy. Unfortunately, like Warsan Shire said, you cannot make homes out of people. But, I was like a happy fiend, going to each and every source just to get a little dose of elation. While I was chasing happiness, I was overdosing on toxicity through continuous cycles of disrespect, manipulation, and exploitation from people I thought would make me happy. All they did was take advantage of me or my situation. Eventually, I learned that my happiness must come from within to truly have a lasting, warming impact on my soul and my life.

Now, I’m at point where I understand that I deserve more than the bare minimum of respect and appreciation. I understand that I am worthy of a safe space. But I have yet to master the art of self advocacy. I find it so much easier to fight for others than myself. It is so easy for me to fall into sunken place of fake smiles and hidden anger to avoid conflict. I feel like people avoid conflict because it takes much more emotional and intellectual labor to get to a solution. But avoiding conflict does very little to preserve the illusion of peace because it just creates uneasy tensions. Yet, I’m still in the mindset of accepting a bare minimum of peace to keep happy environment at home, in the dorm, or in other spaces. By doing so, I sacrifice my own peace of mind and my connection in those spaces. To avoid conflict, I  often disconnect from and reduce myself within the space.

However, one of my goals for this summer is to be present to deeply engage with the people and potential around me. Because of that goal, I am challenging myself to make space for me. It is taking time to learn that I belong in the spaces I occupy.  Navigating NYC has been difficult, but I can not retreat within myself if I want to get anywhere. I am here for a summer of service, but I cannot forget about self care. I must make space for emotional,mental, and nutritional health. I started with nutritional health. I had to branch out on my own to find a grocery store that was right for me. Finding my grocery store was the first of many small steps to connect and find my place in the city and this program. I am here for a summer of service, which cannot be provided unless I am present. And to be present, I must take the risks of putting myself out there. I must take chances and opportunities to engage with the people around me. I have to stop erasing myself to prevent conflict. My next step is unpacking my physical luggage into my room and emotional baggage into a journal, so I can find comfort in the space I occupy here.

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One thought on “Don’t Erase, Make Space.

  1. “My next step is unpacking my physical luggage into my room and emotional baggage into a journal, so I can find comfort in the space I occupy here.” —> I love this line.

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