What was the moment when you knew you loved yourself? When did you figure out your dreams had become bigger and better? How did self-love become something that was desirable rather than selfish? Who was the first person to ever tell you that you could be strong too? I personally think that New York is a vast sea of differences. By this, I mean different people, cultures, cars, sidewalks, animals, personalities, and various other things. My whole life I’ve been searching for the woman I want to be, striving for the dreams that seem so far yet so close, hoping that one day looks on the street won’t mean as much to me. I think that throughout this time in New York I have learned some things about myself like confidence. I felt that for the longest time I was confident, but that mostly stems from my comfort in Durham/with my family and friends. This confidence allowed me to wear those scandalous shorts because thick thighs save lives. It allowed me to wear my arms out because regardless they’re beautiful.
I realized that my epicenter of comfort was shaken when I moved here. Between the loud noises and shoves on the sidewalk somehow my confidence had seeped into the pavement. Somehow I had let myself become meek, scared, afraid. I realized that I was afraid. Afraid that I had somehow become too fat for the public. Afraid that somehow I was no longer comfortable in my own skin and no matter how much I exercised, no matter how much I save pictures for self-confidence until I believed it there would never be an effect. Within my comfort, I have friends and family that reaffirmed my beauty, but in the most humble way, I need to be able to do that myself. I need to love myself, and when I start doing that then just maybe these shoulders, these streets, and everything here will be mine.
Then I proceeded to ask myself, “Bianca how do you think New York can help guide you to self-love?” I don’t think I got an answer, but I think maybe the people can help. I think maybe focusing on my goals and listening to the women who I work with could guide my path well.
At Lower East Side Girls Club, so many personalities, colors, outfits, styles, and just overall wonderful people are everywhere. These women have so much confidence. They are strong, beautiful, vibrant women. I feel they radiate what I want to radiate. I think that self-discovery is very much coming to terms with who you are, and I think seeing women who are comfortable with themselves in the confines of the city can help.
The main reason I wrote this post wasn’t for myself, but for the women I see every day on the street. I don’t know who, if anyone, will read my words, but I want you to know that you’re beautiful. Whether you believe it at this moment, I know that this city has some beautiful people that can make you feel less than, but more than anything look within yourself to find love. I think that throughout my week here I have suffered a lot with loving myself, seeing myself as beautiful IN COMPARISON, but sis, we don’t have to compare ourselves to anyone.
You were made to be you and I was made to be me.
New York may have shaken me a little in the beginning, but this is where I will get some answers to my questions. This is where I will look within to discover who I am. This is where I will try to work harder on this whole confidence thing.
