not being fun

Rarely have I gone out with friends and had a bad time. I ALWAYS have fun.  I’m usually the FIRST to suggest another round, the LAST to call it a night…etc, etc…  But on Saturday night, after it all- touring a women’s medical center to such an extent that we were able to watch the pathology exam of an abortion, listening to Sarah Weddington raise her voice for women’s rights in Albany 40 years after she won Roe v. Wade, picking Merle Hoffman’s brain and visa versa, braving many catcalls while running, and lastly, a printer jam… I was not fun.  I was affected and wounded.

While talking to a long time guy friend in a loud bar, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t make conversation, join him for a dance, or take him up on a drink.  I didn’t care enough about anything going on to force a smile or fake enthusiasm.  All I could do was apologize for being SUCH a bummer.

Week 1 of The Moxie Project was startling, but not in the way that gets you on your toes.  It was the kind of startling that cornered me and swung a baseball bat at my knees. I want to do something great for women’s rights, I really do.  But it’s a dirty world.  Merle Hoffman’s best friend was murdered by a “pro-life” activist, in a church, made a martyr for women’s rights, while she, herself, has had multiple death threats.  Sarah Weddington could live to see the fruits of her labor rot away, because 40 years after the Roe v. Wade decision, legislators still want to dismiss the woman’s right to choose. Lastly, many legislators fail to see the link between reproductive health accessibility and family structure, which they seem to care so much about preserving.  It’s confusing.  Why don’t they trust this female decision making if it could overall help preserve healthy familial trends in the generations to follow?

I’m really scared for the battles that I’ll go through as a feminist.  I’m curious about what specific path I’ll take.  I’m not positive about what exactly I want to do with the rest of my life, but I’m excited to have that figured out.  Hopefully soon.  It seems that having specific enemies and allies is critical to experiencing the little victories of life.  Until this BRUTAL path to discovery is over, it’s all intake.  Maybe by gathering the stories of others before me, I’ll leave New York and finally be able to tell someone what I want to do with the rest of my life.  It may change in a couple years, but just having a specific focus might make this whole thing a little less overwhelming/discouraging.

2 thoughts on “not being fun

  1. I think you’ll get your fun back . . . it’s just hard when reality is so present and overwhelming. New York is like that on so many levels just on its own and when you add experiences that hit home in such a personal way, it makes the city even more of a place that leaves an imprint. Everything there always seems so much more visceral to me.

  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on women’s reproductive rights in light of the suffering that you heard first hand. Sadly, women all over the world continue to struggle, suffer and die as a result of misinformation, lack of access to resources, and cultural norms that prevent women from exercising control over their bodies. While we have many more choices in North America, South America, and Europe than our sisters in other parts of the world due to the work of the women who came before us, we need to continue to fight against those who are working to limit or remove choice in reproductive to health. Continue the fight. It does not men that we can’t have fun long the way.

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