During our first small group discussion last weekend the topic of our conversation changed, rather imperceptibly , from examining the benefits of raising children in America to evaluating the importance of traditional marriage. I shouldn’t be that surprised, though, for the participants were mostly married people. I am not at liberty to disclose their names, of course, their occupations, their backgrounds, but there was a total of five: three men, all married, and two women, one married, and one at the threshold of being so (she just finished college and gentleman-callers, with serious intentions, are making themselves known!).
It wasn’t that unfortunate a turn, really, the topic change. Traditional marriage, we learn, entails more than patriarchy and polygamy. It presupposes expectations and imposes obligations to creating and maintaining the good family, the prerequisite for the good community. This is the argument that the male participants advanced. Although they were educated in the United States, their families in South Sudan arranged their marriages. They married the traditional way. They didn’t meet their wives, call on them, fall in love with them, and then propose—the way it is done in America usually and sometimes in South Sudan—no, not at all, they didn’t have to go through that ordeal. Nor did the wives. Everything was arranged.
All they knew about each other was learned from relatives and families and through long, very long, long-distance phone calls. The fact that they were all South Sudanese and knew each other’s families was sufficient to imagine a family together. This confidence, one of the male participants argued, springs from the understanding of the roles and expectations that the traditional marriage delineates and designates for each member of the family, the parents and the children. As long as everyone follows those guidelines, the family should do fine. This is the benefit of traditional marriage, the sense of direction, the clear expectations that it provides.
Which begs the question: does it all come down to the way the marriage comes about? No was the unanimous answer. It comes down to the couples themselves, their characters, their tempers, their natures, and the community they are part of. In fact, the married women emphasized, it largely comes down to the community. In South Sudan, the cultural and social norms support this vision of family and thus, directly and indirectly, hold everyone accountable. When women and men fail to do what they are supposed to do, as parents and as espouses, the community steps in, through confrontation, consultation, admonition, and, when necessary, punishment, fine, separation.
Which begs another question: is it then difficult to raise a family the South Sudanese way in the United States? Yes was everyone’s response. The United States doesn’t only have a different way of raising family; it also has a very exclusionary way of doing it. There is almost no community for support, apart, maybe, from your relatives and friends—the government intervenes sometimes when things reach the point of incorrigibility, which is something entirely different from community involvement. So, in conclusion, it seems that South Sudanese favor traditional marriage, even though they are deeply aware that its attendant vision of the good family might be difficult to realize away from home.
Hi Nyuol,
Your post is fascinating. I’m struck by how many of you Kenan Summer Fellows are writing about community. Sadhna’s and Rosie’s recent posts both raise interesting questions that connect to yours, and John’s post from today particularly intersects with yours in the ways it addresses tensions between individual and community. I have a couple of questions, and one of them concerns an issue raised by John. What role does the Internet play in South Sudanese communities? Do they use technology as a means to maintain connections to their traditions? How easy or hard do elder South Sudanese migrants find it to use these technologies? Do you see evidence of communications technology being a force for change and/or a force for continuity?
My other question is about your closing statement: “South Sudanese favor traditional marriage.” That’s a general assertion, based on a small set of discussions, and in a group setting. I don’t raise this to undermine your discussion here, but rather to ask your thoughts about whether the responses might be different if you interviewed men and women separately, older and younger people separately, etc. I’m also curious about whether there are any possible negative effects of community involvement in family life, and of traditional marriage more generally. Are there South Sudanese who really want the traditions to change? If so, what are their reasons?
You’ve opened a window into a very interesting issue, which at the core, as you indicate, is one that challenges an American view that family life is “private”. Thanks very much!
Hi Nyuol,
Thanks for your thoughtful insights so far – I am enjoying following your project. I agree with Lou that the discussion of community across the summer fellows’ posts is something important to track. The question “what does it mean to live an ethical life?” may only be answered in terms of a broader community. Or, even if we can think of an individualized ethic, it seems that we are all drawn to incorporating that into our various communities.
As for your investigation into traditional marriage, I was struck by the perpetual circle of family and community. You say that maintaining a good family is a prerequisite for the good community, and yet it is the community values and traditions that guide the system of traditional marriage and family life. Do you think ultimately that one force – family or community – is stronger than the other? I might claim that the weight leans on family in the US where, as Lou notes, family life is considered more private. But for the South Sudanese, the core of family life might be negatively affected by the lack of community support. Do you think the South Sudanese are doing more to enhance their community or to adapt their style of family life?
It was interesting to learn about traditional marriage in South Sudan, something I had no prior knowledge of.
I am interested to know more about potential cons or downfalls of having so much family control over marriages in South Sudanese culture. Do you think that sometimes this community role can pressure people into relationships that they do not want? Also, how does this impact women? Do women traditionally have a lesser say in the marriages or are they expected to follow certain cultural norms that they may not want (such as staying home with the cooking and cleaning, while the husband works).
Although I see many advantages to arranged marriages (my parents had one and I know many cousins who had them als0), I wonder if community arranged marriages could also create negative effects, especially for women.