Welcome to Your New Home
Posted on October 20, 2010
Filed under Project One
Posted by Dayo Oshilaja
This piece originally started as my X2 piece and was supposed to be my witty attempt at describing my very hectic and eventful first day in London. My group members really enjoyed my paratactic style so I decided to continue working with this piece, for my Revision one, because of their positive feedback and because I really enjoyed the subject matter. As I tried to write my Revision one, I was not entirely sure what to do with the piece and I eventually ended up writing about my second day in London. This new addition was highly confusing, and written in more of a writerly and observational style than in the paratactic and conversational style used in my original X2. My group members noticed the change in tone and Professor Harris challenged me to really try to focus my piece and make it as coherent as possible. So I went back to the drawing board, and completely eliminated all my Revision One additions. I finally decided to further focus on my first day in London, by providing a more thoroughly detailed account of my arrival in London starting from my experiences in the airport until I arrived in my new room. This piece has been both a joy and a challenge to write and it has been significantly improved thanks to help of my group members and Professor Harris.
I really like your tone in this piece. You do a great job capturing your nervousness and you put the reader right there in your shoes. You write this piece with wit and humility. I think the coolest part of this piece, for me, is the fact that the title of your piece appears in your last paragraph. By titling it the way you did, you are foreshadowing what the entire piece will be about. There is a sort of anticipation throughout it all. I truly enjoyed reading it! Good job!
Hi-
I really like your piece about your first day in London. The piece is both in-the-moment and observational, and I think you did a nice job in mixing the two styles. I appreciate the amount of details (names of places, streets, people you have crossed, and conversations you have had with them) you have put into your essay.
It still amazes me to think about how much had happened to you during the seemingly short time you took from arriving in the Heathrow International Airport and to get to your new room!
What I enjoy most about Dayo’s piece is how comfortable she makes her reader. She does a nice job of letting the reader inside her thoughts. For this reason I am able to experience her emotions and thoughts because she is so transparent. I’m nervous with her and I feel embarrassed when she does. I found myself laughing and shaking my head with amusement but empathy. It was a really well-developed piece.