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Spaghetti-style Creationism

Posted by on December 6, 2011

Deep in the stretches of the universe He lives: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. With his noodly appendages he placed photons individually to make the universe. He made the process appear billions of years old so to trick nosey scientists of his true work. In actuality, the universe was only created about 5000 years ago.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster buried dinosaur bones under earth’s crust to give the appearance that these creatures really existed long ago, when in fact he’s just hiding the fact that dinosaurs walked along the side of men. He does this all for “His Divine Amusement”.
 

However about 2500 years ago, He felt the need to reveal himself to mankind. Those who listened to his message abided by His laws stating that the race of men were to live on large wooden pirate ships filled with grog, swag, and wenches. The early followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster were indeed pirates, a peace-loving exploring folk, whose only mission was to spread messages of goodwill. They were known to give candy out to children, a tradition has been passed down and seen still practiced today during the holiday known as Halloween.

One of the most infamous accounts of the early Pastafarians is the encounter with Noah at sea. Noah was a greedy man who horded animals, using them in malicious and malevolent ways. Upon meeting the Pastafarians, Noah started chucking porcupines at the Pastafarian’s ship. The largest and strongest Pastafarian pirates reacted and confronted Noah. Henderson goes on to later explain that Noah was so intimidated that wet himself to such an extent that even Christians associate Noah today with the “the Great Flood”. However it is due to Christian misinterpretation that Pastafarians have become outcasts and misunderstood for the real interpretation of the world.Some other assorted beliefs range from the views that heaven is made up of stripper factories and beer volcanoes. Every Friday is a holiday. Pastafarians are not to take themselves seriously. And that they embrace contradictions, but as Henderson puts it, they are not unique in this fashion.

 

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